29 June 2010
I don’t presume to know much about the atrocities that occur on a daily basis by the hand of humanity. I haven’t been exposed to it first-hand or even the literature on the matter. The half-second glimpses and summarized horror stories I have heard or been privy to cut through me like darkness that seems to have come directly from the gates of hell. It passes through me like I am leaves on a tree, but then it lingers as though the sun had set for the last time. I thank whatever controls my fate to have blinded me to these gross abuses, for knowing more, I would not know the negative impact it would have on me. The evil in the world and in my life that I do experience has created a cynicism that seems to be a subconscious shroud over my emotions.
30 June 2010
Currently I am not overwhelmed with a state of sadness or depression to have me contemplate leaving mortality or hiding away in a dark room. Yet when I hear of the horrors mortality can produce – namely sins against the innocent specifically – it makes me wonder. I wonder about my perspective on the big picture. The numbers are too disproportionate to be acceptable to me. I understand the concept of interpreting evil and sorrow into something that can strengthen your testimony, but there seems to be a limit. If we just look at the porn industry: the majority of porn stars come from sexual abuse, only to relive their abuse and get exploited for it by the pornographers. Child abuse is one of the worst evils one can think of. To prey upon the innocent and weak, to permanently damage body and spirit, to deepen the cycle of abuse, damage, production of the next generation of abusers. The sorrow from merely knowing this cycle seems unbearable. To then wade into this filthy body of water to try and help, one seems to be irreversibly connected and transformed to and by the black sludge that stains everything it comes in contact with.
So about my perspective. Am I missing something? I used to be sad for others who get mad at God for these sorrows on earth. I used to wish they could have my perspective and how the gospel and the plan only helps strengthen my testimony that everything works within God’s design. I am beginning to question my own perspective. Maybe I am just reaching a point either in my life or in knowledge that is a limit to how much I can handle pertaining to what the devil is capable of. I fear this is the tip of the iceberg and I don’t think I can handle any more of it. I don’t want to know anymore about this place and what evils it can produce. I just want to know of the good things. I know this cannot be and I am scared. I don’t know how to build up a protection against it. I don’t know how to handle such terrifying facts. I don’t want my children here to be exposed to it. These things no one that kept their first estate deserves to be subject to. Lying, cheating, stealing, physical abuse, starvation, wars… I can accept these. I don’t understand why the children have to be involved. There is nothing anyone can say to me to convince me or put my mind and my heart at ease that sins against children are a way to condemn people, a way to strengthen testimony, or a way to show how others can give compassion and healing. No. There is plenty of pain and sorrow in the world for all those things. I understand God giving variety to the world through the living things, but why allow variety in sin in these ways? It is not only unfair, it is unacceptable to me.
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