What to call it...

Growing up, my mom always said that I was a very 'spiritual' person. I think that the word 'spiritual' is overused in Mormon circles and has lost its meaning and impact. I see what she is saying, but I choose a term that allows people to understand more accurately what I am: emotional. I have been reminded of this this week and I wanted to mention it here. Now, hear me when I say that this is neither a good thing or a bad thing, for we all have our complex personality traits and different strengths and weaknesses. I look at this aspect of my life with much adoration and much contempt at the same time.
When someone is able to connect with me on more than a facebook or family reunion level, I connect emotionally. The deeper the connection, the more emotion is involved. What naturally occurs is that this emotion is expressed on many different levels, or, through many different channels. This is what happened this week. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster and it reminded me exactly how I function as a human. I wish I could say more about it. It's weird, but I feel like someone who could try and explain their actions, but nobody could possibly understand it so they would look at me with accusing eyes for what I have done.

Separation Anxiety.

I feel like a little kid right now who needs to learn to have a little patience. This isn't adult patience, this is the patience you need when learning to wait for Christmas or your birthday. I am going through a bit of separation anxiety, I will call it, for a friendship that was spoken of in the last two posts on here. It was amazing how we connected. I felt alive, I felt automatically connected to this person. We naturally talked well and shared our lives. Because of our circumstances, it was believed that we should take a break. I thought that was okay until this friend disappeared from facebook. The only other communication I had was a brand new email account which I didn't know whether that would stay up either. Without knowing much, much of this story can be taken out of context. In fact, I am sure it has been and will be taken out of context. Whether I need the patience or not, I feel very abandoned at the moment. It is unfortunate, sometimes, what this life throws you. It is moments like this that really make you appreciate the 'tender mercies' moments. I'm not sure if I will ever get an answer as to why life turned out the way it did and not another, but hopefully time will heal the pain.

Needed Reminding

Well, in an amazingly short amount of time, I found therapy in the very spot that I found grief. I was reminded of a lot of things that I needed to be reminded of. My life doesn't suck. I still think of the past as unfortunate but there are stories that deserve a change far more than I. The broken heart that came by my hand got over it, as did I. I have to remember many lessons from this story. Lessons about human nature, the Atonement, friendship and healing. What an example my friend is in all these lessons. The Lord gives us trials or allows things to happen that make you beg why, but before you know it you have been wading through the muck for miles and you are still alive.
I have to say, I am tired of this place. I am tired of the stories where Satan carries out his plans. I am tired of hearing about the helpless who are taken advantage of. It sucks in general, then it literally crushes you when it is someone you love. I suppose it is no wonder people lose their faith. I suppose it is no wonder people turn out to be messed up. It is a blessing when angels happen to be near to protect us or guide is in such dark dark times. May the end come quickly.

The Slump

A lot can be said of me to understand this post. Introverted socially awkward boy in a man's body who regrets much from his life. That is a lot, said with a little. It is the theme of the last six months of my life. I have zero worth at work and that translates to zero worth in my life. I don't work out, I seek to be as lazy as possible, I eat all the comfort food I can, I shy away from any responsibility....I am a very really bum.
Enjoying bumness this week I came across a very fond friend from elementary school. We, in my humble opinion, had the time of our lives. We lived, laughed and loved. I had to add something, so we loved life :) (We were too young to love each other). We reminisced and it had to have been one of the bigger highlights I have had in awhile. Thinking back about pre-pubescence, I was happy. I was thinking that if the offer came to go back to any time in my life to relive it, would you and when would you go? I would go back and relive this one school year over and over again with this person, for I ruined it after the year was over. Now some things I say here are the six months in the slump talking. Other things are quite real and factual. When I say I ruined it, believe me, I ruined it. I broke this friends heart and I can never go back and fix it.

I also ruined my life slowly, inch by inch after that. I can honestly say it was the first step in a big downhill spiral that led me to regret my life. Now, not everything in my life is horrible and I don't regret some huge blessings that have come my way. Sarah and my children I wouldn't change for the world, and if I couldn't keep them AND go back, then I wouldn't go back. But apart from family, I regret my life. I do. From joining the military and failing at the U, all the way back to breaking this person's heart I would change. Isn't that sad? Is this the human condition? Are we doomed to feel this way? Well, I know not everyone feels this way. Not everyone screws up their life like I did. There is something to be said of screwing up and fixing it now and for the future. Many people living in the slums or the ghetto decide to have a better life, not filled with gangs and drugs. I suppose I can liken my life, in a very small way, to theirs. You often hear how they speak of the present and future and not the past. Well there is another downfall of mine. I can't help but think of what could have been or what should have been. I am dwelling on the past and I don't see anything wrong with that and it is the same reason others give to NOT dwell on the past: because you can't change it. I am doomed to be defined by this history I did not want. I am also doomed to wallow in this inglorious bath of pity for another month or two until they give me reason to feel of some worth at work.