I often wish I could express myself as well as Bryan, my brother. I also wish I could research quickly. My version of a school paper consists of 'D' work at best and I get rewarded for it with a high 'B' or 'A'. I thus never use any real skills of researching for a paper, which I am sure will come in handy someday. I have also been able to epitomize laziness not only at school but in and through my physical lifestyle. I have only slowly begun to gain a spare tire around the middle. The problem, or rather the solution, is the requirement by the Air Force to test my fitness to a standard I find I don't tolerate doing mediocre at. When I say this, though, I am able to prepare for said test with ten days of preparation which will bear the fruits of an acceptable score equivalent to that of an 'A'. I am therefore grateful for the fitness test in which I am forced to step up my game, maybe not to full capacity, but at least pretend I live for a couple weeks.
My point is twofold. Of course I am egotistical and am proud of this ability, but for the second point, I am realizing that it is, or has become, a weakness. I can't blame any one instance for this way, yet I see positive reinforcements in my life from very young to quite recent. In one way I wish for a different life, wondering what it would be like to work hard for a desired grade, or to work hard for a certain figure, or to work hard at all. Okay, so I have worked hard in my life. There are some things I struggle at and I tried hard to succeed at them. I find that I eventually quit these things and move on. I envy others in a way.
On another note, if you think you want a Top Secret Clearance for whatever reason, now is the time to get it. Apparently, everyone and their dogs can get cleared except for me. Ellsworth fudged my investigation from the beginning, and it hasn't seemed to recover. I just may end up being worthless in Space indefinitely!
Note number three: Home owning doesn't get old for me. I love it love it love it. There are things about living on base that got under my skin and drove me crazy, and there are things about owning a home that makes one feel like they aren't flushing their money down the toilet. We will see when it is time to get a return on this investment, but for now, I just enjoy owning a home and doing with it what I will. It scares me on occasion, for I know very few handy man skills, but those occasions are small and insignificant.
#4: Why am I the way I am? Separate from the first section of this post, I find very few who have certain subjects on their mind nearly every waking free moment they can spare. It actually grows tiresome. It is interesting that one can grow weary of what interests them most. I suppose it is like anything in your diet that is very fine or exquisite: too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Yet I don't seem to be in control. Thoughts often plague my mind to the point where I can't sleep or think of anything else. Journal writing is my only escape for people (ALL people) think I am crazy and want me to suppress the wild ideas running amok in my head.
'Twas a self pity post tonight. I suppose I am finished.
