The Slump

A lot can be said of me to understand this post. Introverted socially awkward boy in a man's body who regrets much from his life. That is a lot, said with a little. It is the theme of the last six months of my life. I have zero worth at work and that translates to zero worth in my life. I don't work out, I seek to be as lazy as possible, I eat all the comfort food I can, I shy away from any responsibility....I am a very really bum.
Enjoying bumness this week I came across a very fond friend from elementary school. We, in my humble opinion, had the time of our lives. We lived, laughed and loved. I had to add something, so we loved life :) (We were too young to love each other). We reminisced and it had to have been one of the bigger highlights I have had in awhile. Thinking back about pre-pubescence, I was happy. I was thinking that if the offer came to go back to any time in my life to relive it, would you and when would you go? I would go back and relive this one school year over and over again with this person, for I ruined it after the year was over. Now some things I say here are the six months in the slump talking. Other things are quite real and factual. When I say I ruined it, believe me, I ruined it. I broke this friends heart and I can never go back and fix it.

I also ruined my life slowly, inch by inch after that. I can honestly say it was the first step in a big downhill spiral that led me to regret my life. Now, not everything in my life is horrible and I don't regret some huge blessings that have come my way. Sarah and my children I wouldn't change for the world, and if I couldn't keep them AND go back, then I wouldn't go back. But apart from family, I regret my life. I do. From joining the military and failing at the U, all the way back to breaking this person's heart I would change. Isn't that sad? Is this the human condition? Are we doomed to feel this way? Well, I know not everyone feels this way. Not everyone screws up their life like I did. There is something to be said of screwing up and fixing it now and for the future. Many people living in the slums or the ghetto decide to have a better life, not filled with gangs and drugs. I suppose I can liken my life, in a very small way, to theirs. You often hear how they speak of the present and future and not the past. Well there is another downfall of mine. I can't help but think of what could have been or what should have been. I am dwelling on the past and I don't see anything wrong with that and it is the same reason others give to NOT dwell on the past: because you can't change it. I am doomed to be defined by this history I did not want. I am also doomed to wallow in this inglorious bath of pity for another month or two until they give me reason to feel of some worth at work.