Thoughts

So I felt inclined to buy a poetry book after dad made me less cynical and more ponderous and such. I bought "The best poems of the english language: from chaucer through robert frost" by Harold Bloom. It was more daunting than expected, and has a lot more authors that I don't recognize than I thought as well. But perusing the authors I DO recognize, I came across some 'easy' poetry by Robert Frost. And maybe because it is Robert Frost, and maybe for other reasons...whatever, take it worth a grain of salt, but I found this one to have some meaning in my life as it may or may not pertain to dad. As I am writing this, I also have that thought that I so often have, "...maybe I need to simmer down with sharing so many thoughts I have about dad..." In any case, I have written this much, and I googled the poem and copied and pasted it, so I have gone to too much trouble NOT to post this. All this rambling and you still have to read the poem, try to figure out how I am finding meaning, then, before your imagination has been exhausted on my warped sense, maybe apply some Frost to your life or find meaning in his words somehow for you. OR! just wordlessly tell me to shut up and go on with your Christmas Eve.

The Wood-Pile by Robert Frost

Out walking in the frozen swamp one grey day
I paused and said, "I will turn back from here.
No, I will go on farther--and we shall see."
The hard snow held me, save where now and then
One foot went down. The view was all in Straight up and down of tall slim trees
Too much alike to mark or name a place by
So as to say for certain I was here
Or somewhere else: I was just far from home.
A small bird flew before me. He was careful
To put a tree between us when he lighted,
And say no word to tell me who he was
Who was so foolish as to think what he thought.
He thought that I was after him for a feather--
The white one in his tail; like one who takes
Everything said as personal to himself.
One flight out sideways would have undeceived him.
And then there was a pile of wood for which
I forgot him and let his little fear
Carry him off the way I might have gone,
Without so much as wishing him good-night.
He went behind it to make his last stand.
It was a cord of maple, cut and split
And piled--and measured, four by four by eight.
And not another like it could I see.
No runner tracks in this year's snow looped near it.
And it was older sure than this year's cutting,
Or even last year's or the year's before.
The wood was grey and the bark warping off it
And the pile somewhat sunken. Clematis
Had wound strings round and round it like a bundle.
What held it though on one side was a tree
Still growing, and on one a stake and prop,
These latter about to fall. I thought that only
Someone who lived in turning to fresh tasks
Could so forget his handiwork on which
He spent himself, the labour of his axe,
And leave it there far from a useful fireplace
To warm the frozen swamp as best it could
With the slow smokeless burning of decay.

Joseph Smith Jr.

In honor of Joseph Smith, and somehow my father, I would like to post something in memoory of them and the legacy they left. I was deeply touched the first time I listened to the Nashvilee tribute to Joseph Smith, right after my dad's funeral. Two songs that I really like on there I will post here. One is called The Rising, the other is called Candles. Joseph Smith, as most of us know was quite charismatic, went through more than any other Latter-Day Prophet, and was instrumental in Restoring the fulness of the Gosepel. Through my dad I learned what a man is, and I learned that Joseph was quite the man.

THE RISING

Written by Jason Deere

I told my mother what troubled my heart
I saw the worry as she took me in her arms
I told the preacher, and he looked at me
And I saw the rising that never let me be

Oh the rising
(The boy, the faith, the prayers, the hate)
From weak things the great things
Are rising, rising
(The love, the fear, the fire, the tears)
The persecution, the spirit, the peace

The spirit of God like a fire it spread
Calling the nations put a price upon our heads
Running through darkness and running to light
Praying on our knees for one more day every night

Amid the rising
(The boy, the faith, the prayers, the hate)
From weak things the great things
Are rising, rising
(The love, the fear, the fire, the tears)
The persecution, the spirit, the peace

I don’t know all the answers but I do my best
To live up to the rising that won’t let me rest

Oh the rising…

WB Music Corp (ASCAP)



CANDLES

Written by Jason Deere

Well I’ve heard the people talking
In the fields and in the stores
They say a man is claiming visions
And they don’t want him ‘round here no more
And with questions in my heart
I walked home late last night
And in front of his old farm house
Something caught my eye

I saw a candle burning brightly
Up in his window late last night
And in my heart it gripped me tightly
And something said son what he’s doing’s right
I saw a candle burning bright

Well a vigil got together
And they kicked in his front door
As they drug him on to the back porch
I wondered what all this was for
And I watched him wrench in pain
As the tar burned in his flesh
While a preacher held a candle
Dripping wax upon his chest

I saw a candle burning brightly
Up in his window late last night
And in my heart it gripped me tightly
And something said son what he’s doing’s right
I saw a candle burning bright

Well this morning I was walking
Leaves blowing down that old dirt road
And those feelings just kept stirring deep within my soul
On my lips a silent whisper
Lord please tell me what is right
And then the Spirit danced within me
Like the soft candle light

And I saw a candle burning brightly
Up in his window late last night
And in my heart it gripped me tightly
And something said son what he’s doing’s right
I saw a candle burning bright
And I saw the light

RoadtoNauvoo (ASCAP)

(Playlist.com is very retarded and not user friendly. You have to jump through hoops just to attempt to upload any songs. In the end, posting the audio to these songs proved to be a failure...sorry).

Happy Birthday Dad

Since I got back to South Dakota, I have been endlessly searching for anything with meaning to apply to myself. Anything to give my life meaning. I read my hymnbook at work, listen to songs and read their lyrics, I even bought my first poetry book, similar to the many found on my dad's front room shelves. I have also found new meaning in being not only Christian, but Latter-Day Saint. Everything seems different now and I just feel different about my theology and spirituality. As I look for new meaning, I also find myself slowly floating away and downward. It seems that my subconscious is trying to save me by finding depth in my life through poetry or whatever, because I am losing traction. It seems my relationships aren't where I want them, it seems my place at work isn't where I want it...

It is amazing the peace you feel in one instance, then the next the world and all its creulty is there making sure you get distracted from it. Not forget it entirely, just distracted. In all the works I have found some sort of application in the words, I just feel like posting one today. It is called "Kite" by U2. Bono wrote it for his dad after his death and dedicates it to him. There seems to be a lot of similarities, but maybe I am looking too hard.

Kite

Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

‘Cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone, anything at all

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to know what it is will break you
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

In summer I can taste the salt in the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me

I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to know what it is will break you
I don't know where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Roof top to the basement
The last of the rock stars
When hip hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea
That was the big idea




Happy Birthday Dad.

letter from dad, oct. 1999

So I found what I wanted to have there in Utah. A lot of missionaries have this moment on the mission where they don't feel they are in the right place. At this time of struggle in my life, my father imparted some hand-written wisdom to me. This is the whole of it, typed as accurately to what he wrote as possible.


My friend, your ole dad has been revived from the dead long enough to write a letter. If I write nothing else, I love you. Allow me to impart a few thoughts which bring solace to my soul, hoping you will weigh my words and find a few nuggets worth keeping. This comment provokes my first thought said of the pioneers: “They cut desire into short lengths and fed it to the hungry fires of tribulation. Long after those fires had died, molten gold gleamed in the ashes which was gathered in bruised palms then handed to their children and on to their children’s children throughout all generations of time”.
Next I reflect upon Holland’s last conference talk wherein he spoke of hope. No one in mortality is spared the pain and sorrow and difficulty that are inevitable in a fallen world. We all have our share of troubles, and sometimes it may seem we have more than our share. But we must try to remember that our “afflictions shall be but a small moment” and if we “endure it well” God shall exalt us on high. (Read D&C 122) Someday if faithful you and I will sing with our pioneer ancestors, “all is well, all is well.”
I am concerned about a problem that is universal and can, at any given hour, strike anyone anytime, anywhere. I believe it is a form of evil and can have damaging effects that block our growth, dampen our spirits, diminish our hopes, and leave us vulnerable to other more conspicuous evils. There is nothing that Satan uses quite so cunningly or cleverly in his work on missionaries, or in my situation, old men. I speak of doubt, especially self-doubt, of discouragement, and of despair. (Forgive my handwriting, my shoulder is my excuse).
It has been said that “trouble has no necessary connection with discouragement – discouragement has a germ of its own, as different from trouble as a [bad rotator cuff] is different from a stiff joint. Brackets added. We all have troubles, but the “germ” of discouragement is not in the trouble itself; it is in us – or to be more precise, I believe it is in Satan, the prince of darkness, the father of lies. And he would have it be in us. It is frequently a small germ, but it will grow and spread. In fact, it can become almost a habit, a way of thinking, and there the greatest damage is done. Then it takes an increasingly severe toll on our spirits, for it erodes the deepest religious commitments we can make – those of faith, hope and charity. We turn inward and look downward, and these greatest of Christlike virtues are damaged and impaired. We become unhappy, and soon make others unhappy. Then Lucifer laughs!
Some things are not under our control. Some disappointments come regardless of our effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good. We need to drive these experiences into the corner, painful though they may be, and learn from them. Holland wrote, “To those who are trying hard and living right and things still seem burdensome and difficult, I say, take heart. Others have walked that way before you. Do you feel unpopular and different or outside in inside things? Read Noah again. Go out there and take a few whacks on the side of your ark and see what popularity was like in 2500 B.C. Holland continues:
Does the wilderness strech before you in a never-ending sequence of sand dunes? Read Moses again. Calculate the burden of fighting with the pharoahs and then a 40 year assignment in Sinai. Some tasks take time. Accept that. But as the scriptures say, They “come to pass!” They do end. We will cross over Jordan eventually. Others have done it – and so can we.
Are you afraid people don’t like you? The Prophet Joseph Smith could share a few thoughts on the subject. Is pain or health a problem? Surely you will find comfort as you review the lives of many General Authorities and past Prophets of the church who have in some sense become what they are not only in spite of their physical burdens but also in part, because of them. You can take courage from your shared sacrifice that these giants of men have defied disease and even death and have shaken their fists at the forces of darkness and cried when there was hardly strength to walk. (Maxwell, Kimball) “oh Lord, I am yet strong. Give me one more mountain” See Joshua 14: 11-12.
Do you ever feel untalented or incapable or inferior? Would it help you to know that everyone else feels that way too, including the prophets of God? Moses initially resisted his destiny, pleading that he was not eloquent in language. Jeremiah thought himself a child and was afraid of the faces he would meet.
And Enoch? This is the young man who, when called to a seemingly impossible task, said, “Why is it that I have found favor in they sight and am but a lad, and all the people hate me; for I am slow of speech; wherefore am I thy servant?” Moses 6:31. But Enoch was a believer. He stiffened his spine and squared his shoulders and went stuttering on his way. Plain old ungifted inferior Enoch.
And this is what the angels would come to write of him: So great was the faith of Enoch that he led the people of God, and their enemies came to battle against them; and he spake the word of the Lord, and the earth trembled, and the mountains fled, even according to his command; and the rivers of water were turned out of their course; and the roar of the lions was heard out of the wilderness and all nations feared greatly, so powerful was the word of Enoch, and so great was the power of the language which God had given him. Moses 7:13
Too little, too late, inadequate Enoch – whose name is now synonymous with transcendent righteousness! The next time you are tempted to paint your self-portrait dismal gray highlighted with lackluster beige, just remember that so have this kingdom’s most splendid men and women been tempted. I say to you, as Joshua said to the tribes of Isreal, as they faced one of their most difficult tasks, “Sanctify yourselves; for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.” Joshua 3:5
Holland concludes:
1. Pray earnestly and fast with purpose and devotion. Some difficulties, like devils, do not come out save by fasting and by prayer. Ask in righteousness and you will receive. Knock with conviction and it will be opened unto you.
2. Immerse yourself in the scriptures. You will find your own experiences described there. You will find spirit and strength there. You will find solutions and counsel. Nephi says “The words of Christ will tell you all things what you should do” 2 Nephi 32:3
3. Serve others. The heavenly paradox is that only in so doing can you save yourself.
4. Be patient. As Robert Frost wrote, with many things the only way out is through. Keep moving Keep trying.
5. Have faith. “Has the day of miracles ceased?” or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved? Behold I say unto you, Nay: for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. Moroni 7:35-37.
Read 2 Kings 6:14-17
In the gospel of Jesus Christ we have help from both sides of the veil. When disappointment and discouragement strike – and they will – we need to remember that if our eyes could be opened, we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see, riding at great speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, the armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham’s seed.
We have been give this promise:
“Ye are little children, and ye have not yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; and ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. D&C 78:17-18.
I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left…and mine angels shall be round about you, to bear you up D&C 78:18
The poet wrote:
I came to the swift raging river,
And its roar held the echo of fear.
“Lord, please give me wings to fly over,
If you are, as you’ve promised so near.”
But He said, “Take the grace I am giving,
All pervasive, sufficient for you;
Take my hand, and we’ll face this together,
But my plan is – Not over, but through.”

The race is not to the swift,
Nor the battle to the strong,
But to him who endureth to the end.
I pray for us all to run such race and fight such a battle –
Love Dad
Oct 1999

A New Experience

This week has been quite a new experience for me. For those of you that are interested, my Father's obituary are posted on Alex's and Bryan & Tiffany's Blogs. A million thoughts have flooded my brain ever since I posted about my Father weeks ago. As I digitize these thoughts, they will be integrated with others as I continue to live and learn.
My first thought regards relationships. Blake Ostler couldn't emphasize enough in his first book that the primary concern God has and that we should have is our relationship or, God's primary concern is having a relationship with us, and our primary concern should be to have a relationship with Him. Seeking and having a relationship with our Father in heaven implies many things pertaining to righteousness. So when, as an adult but only 28 I watched as family and friends flooded in to pay respects to my parents, I was viewing a viewing and a funeral from a new view. Not only do people come and say goodbye, but they share memories about that person. This only enriches my own memories about my Dad.

From the beginning I knew what an awesome family I had. I enjoy a position in a family where I can lean on any member for support and that goes for every person. We do have our limits like any family, but there is no ill will, no cold shoulders or backbiting or back stabbing. We all talk and we all enjoy each others company and friendship and bond that only family members share. This only strengthens when a death occurs within this tight family. I couldn't have survived this week without this blessing.

I had the unfortunate position of living eleven hours away during all of this. I arrived Tuesday night just after my dad had passed. Since then I have been truly amazed and grateful for the strength within my mother. According to my siblings, she has also had this strength before I arrived. My brothers and sister were able to see her reconnect to dad almost like they were newlyweds. Years of pain and suffering melted away as they held each other and found the brightness of the gospel fill their lives. Although dad was still suffering, they both experienced some sweet moments before dad had to leave her in mortality. Even though emotional and obviously showing her love for her husband, she has been exceptional in all of this. She has been the benefactor of the Spirit of Peace and has ensured direct lines of communication and constant companionship of the Holy Ghost to give her this great comfort. Thank you mother for your wonderful example and for transmitting this comfort to us.

I am experiencing a fresh outlook on life. Certain things are much more meaningful and certain others are much less. I am happy to say these things have adjusted for the better. Wisdom seems to come in this way. Circumstance and experience play through to give experience and wisdom. This should in turn open one for more submissiveness to Father and proof to Him that you are ready for more gifts. I am a long way off of all these wonderful sounding things, but I have been given a gift of understanding and believing the gospel plan. My suffering comes from knowing what I am missing out I suppose.

My last thought for now pertains to my Father. When my grandparents died I knew they could see me at anytime but it didn't affect my actions too much. Now that my Father is in a position to 'spy' on me, I am much more cognisant of the fact that he could be watching me at anytime. This has in turn made me think about everything I do before I do them in a whole new light. A father is much different that some relative you didn't live with or have a vested interest in comparable to a dad. This also affects me for the better.

I have to give a pathetic thank you to everyone who gives in this time of need for me and my family. We feel the prayers most of all, thank you. We are also very grateful for temporary gifts such as dinners and your time. Nothing goes unnoticed and even though anything I give is little, your real reward awaits you with our mutal Father. Enjoying a community where support is given such as in times like this is phenomenal and I thank you all for allowing me to be a part of that community once again, even though I don't live in Utah. I think that is part of what makes it so amazing. Thank you thank you thank you.

More from a wayward child

"I never thought it was right to call up a man and try him because he erred in doctrine, it looks too much like methodism and not like Latter day Saintism. Methodists have creeds which a man must believe or be kicked out of their church. I want the liberty of believing as I please, it feels so good not to be tramelled. It dont prove that a man is not a good man, because he errs in doctrine." - Joseph Smith

This quote I think I use too much these days, yet I cannot stop from bringing it up. Joseph was a great explorer of doctrines. There are historians today who think the church today would be drastically different if he survived even six more months. One doctrine that never came about was where Joseph gave the role of Prophet to someone such as Hyrum and Joseph would go on to be a King. Another was his toying with ideas from Kabbalism. One idea from that book of doctrines was that of reincarnation, or transmigration. I love this side of Joseph. He was a pioneer in establishing sound doctrines and a pioneer as an example of flexibility in belief.

I am a subscriber to an LDS philosophy email list which talks a lot about current issues. What this Prop. 8 issues boils down to in my opinion is the fact that the church believes in the sacred nature of marriage, and those who oppose prop. 8 either believe the gov't. should stay out of things of such sacred nature altogether, or we should ignore the sacred aspect of it all, for that is left to the churches anyway. The church also realized the subject would be very delicate among members and urged continued loving relationship in spite of differences. Our authorities could see the anti-mormon surge as it gave its vocal and monetary support to a political issue. The Prophet knew members would not agree with an official position on this issue.

If the Prophet could gather all members who disagree with Him, what would He say to them? What would Joseph say? Imagine the discussions today if Mitt Romney was the Republican candidate. So many members voted for Obama and would have no matter which Republican ran. All I am saying is politics doesn't determine followership one bit. Not one bit at all. To say that those who disagree with church policy is putting their eternal life at stake is worse than any belief in a false doctrine, at least, according to Joseph Smith.

huh?

Tonight there is a lot on my mind. I probably won't write about everything making a mess in my noggin but I thought I'd post some ramblings nonetheless.

Why do we as a society look to our government for answers? Why are we less involved in those groups or clubs that attempt to do things themselves? Why do we look not only to our government, but to the President for answers? Yeah sure the office has a lot of power to influence our lives, yet if the country is doing great, we blame the Pres., if the country is doing poorly, we blame the Pres.. We seem to have become not only disconnected from the success and failure of our own country, but we seem to have grown into a sort of laziness about fixing society, and wait for the government to fix it for us.

My thoughts are that we need to reduce what we think of the government. We may not even need to do anything to change the democratic rule in place, only change the mindset of the people being ruled. Are communities not supposed to support themselves? Is a state no more than a boundary line with certain numbers that pertain only to elections? Now, it may not be this extreme, but in many ways, a lot of citizens go about their business with this mentality, and this, in my opinion, is one reason we not only have a broken economy, but also corruption on every level, more crime than ever, and a society where we possibly go years without even knowing our neighbors. It brings at least one other question to my mind: How big should our government be locally and nationally, and how big is it in comparison? I agree we have the right number in the House, we have the correct size pertaining to the Judiciary, Legislative and Executive branches...I think I am talking more about how big should they be on a power level. Do they have too much power? Do we give them too much power as we look to them for all our answers?

There isn't enough community involvement. We don't care anymore about one another. Corporations only care about their workers to keep productivity at a maximum. Neighborhoods only care about one another for self interest, which is what it boils down to in every aspect of ones life. "Is my self interest being served? If not, I will not waste my time".

I am just as much to blame as the next guy, but it weighs on my mind constantly. Reading "approaching zion" by Hugh Nibley doesn't help, granted, but now that I have started, once I finish, I think it will be one of those books I will always be reading. It is a call to true Christianity, true Humanity. Hugh talks about the evil of money and how we need to live the law of consecration, but we can at least prepare ourselves for that giant step by taking small ones in the right direction. We aren't doing that as communities.

Another thing on my mind is faith. It sure seems easy to be obedient when it is convenient or when it is an easy law to follow. Thou shalt not murder is easy for most and it is very narrow in scope. Following the Prophet is quite different. Your scope is very broad as it encompasses basically every other law given. If you are sinning in any way, you aren't following the Prophet. Yet when the Prophet comes out with a statement stress seems to be placed on being faithful to our leaders of the church who are called of God and lead us as Prophets, Seers and Revelators. Throwing that on an argument just seems to me to be faulty for nobody follows the Prophet like they should. Now when I say this, it would also seem that I am responding to specific words from specific people. The truth is this has also been on my mind for some time.

I don't follow the Prophet as well as I should. Interestingly enough, I equate that to following all the Prophets and following God. Yet I don't see them as interchangeable. I can claim to follow God yet not follow a Prophet. It is easy to take Brigham Young as an example today and talk about how he may not have been speaking as a mouthpiece for God when he taught about the Adam-God theory. Yet what were the Saints saying at the time? Brigham had Apostles directly under him who disagreed. Saints were expected then to do as we are expected now: follow the Prophet. Only time showed that Brigham seemed to be voicing an opinion.

Now I am not saying anything about Gordon Hinckley or Thomas Monson. I am not saying they have been voicing their opinion as men recently. I am only saying that being a "thinking Mormon" has its values. Being able to discern for oneself the value of the letter of the law in comparison to the spirit of the law seems to trump following the Prophet to the "T". Following the Prophet has a broader, more general scope for me than going out and doing what He says right after he says it. We have continuous revelation as a church because we believe this is God's Kingdom here on earth, yet we do nothing to further the kingdom. We live our lives, trying to be good little mormons, teach our children, go to church, fulfill our callings, maintain relationships with others in the spirit of love and follow Christ as close as possible, getting closer and closer everyday. But we are fooling ourselves, all of us. We gripe with each other over our 'lesser' government and its practices. We hurt relationships when we don't agree with each other. WHY ON EARTH....?

I am tired of life. I really am. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I seem to be having more bad days than good. It is hard to find the joy in the places I am supposed to find it. It is hard to be happy with so much on my mind that is telling me I am not where I should be. Change is interesting as well. Personal change seems hardest, yet community change, national change and global change is also necessary. I feel so guilty for being American and being a citizen of the greediest, most self-centered nation on the planet. I feel guilty for allowing homeless people to dwell in my community. I feel guilty for not spending more time giving to those people, and why? I could give hundreds of excuses, just like any of us. What a world we live in. Where there are such contrasts in cultures and lifestyles and priorities. Eating and surviving are at the top of the lists, yet we in the U.S. look past that and think about tomorrow and the next day, we think about our t.v.'s and our clothes and our beds and why the government is taxing us so much. We think about our two vehicles and decorating our houses we can't pay for for years.

Am I the only one thinking about all of this? Are we not a gross culture? We have been given gifts from God and we get sick off of them like a 4 year old on Halloween. Yet I do nothing. All I do is type on my laptop, continue to worry about homework from a class that cost more money than certain people of this world won't see in a lifetime. I will go to bed on my tempurpedic mattress I bought with tax return money this year, in a central air house with three bedrooms. I will rest easy because I don't think about the freezing homeless in Rapid City or the starving children of the world. I know Jesus loves me, but I also know He is ashamed that I call myself a Christian. Jesus spent His life among the sinners and homeless and sick. I go about my business like they aren't real.

Campaigners spend more money than I would like to remember just to advertise for being elected. Where does all that money go? We spend more money on useless things like that, fooling ourselves into thinking that they are important. I am ashamed tonight to even associate myself with humans. We are disgusting. These may seem like extremely harsh words, but deep down, I think most of you can agree with me. Yes, there are good people in the world, trying desperately to right these wrongs. Yes, there are great politicians although I have yet to see any, for if they are great, they would change things like the campaigning expenditures, or the negative advertising. We live in a world where two men bicker on tv and radio about how he can be better than the other because the other one is just plain evil.

It is also interesting to think about one other thing.
This election brought some topics up again that gets between people and causes division. What is interesting is that the two people involved agree on much of the issue at hand. Morally, the two are in harmony. Is this morally wrong? Yes. Should the government do something about it...................? Why does that split two people so much? What is it about the laws of the land that get us so heated? It isn't about whether abortion or gay marriage is right or wrong, it is whether the government should be involved. It is fascinating, again, to see how we turn to the government for all our answers.

End of an Era

So I have been blessed these last three years to be a part of what is called Weapons Standardization. Those that accept this special assignment within weapons loaders are considered the elite of all loaders. They extended an invitation to be interviewed for this job three years ago this month. I was a bit nervous, but I learned the ropes and soon became a regular evaluator. I would certify, decertify and maintain certification on all the weapons loaders at Ellsworth AFB. Now of course I am only on one shift at a time, but during my three year tenure, I got to know all the weapons troops, even though I regularly saw only the ones on my shift.
Well three years is basically the maximum anyone can serve on a special assignment, so my time is up. I am to go back to the flightline, back to the cold, and back to regular loading. As I left, I left the line as a three-man, went to loadbarn and became certified as a four-man, later made staff sergeant and they bumped me up to 2-man, put staff sergeant on, prepared to leave loadbarn and they decided they needed me on the line as a team chief (one-man). So I certified as a team chief this last week in preperation to go back to the line this week. For this, I am more nervous for. Being a team chief means that I am in charge of three other individuals as we load. This also means that I am in charge of the load pad (where the plane sits).
It was a nice three years at loadbarn. I learned a great deal and enjoyed being inside for the most part in the harsh south dakota weather. I worked next to some of the finest loaders at Ellsworth, experienced the personalities of three different wing weapons managers, and also four loadbarn shop chiefs. The only real experience I got was once a month for our MPRL loads and the six-month deployment I went on to Al Udeid.
I don't expect to stay on the flightline for very long as I am looking to retrain into another career field inside the Air Force. I feel the need to broaden my horizons, to change bases and to seek a career that will more easily pay dividends in the civilian world later on in life. But that is a chapter in my book still left to be written. For now, I start the chapter that includes me holding every position on a loading crew, taking more of a leadership position, and stepping into a world that I have no idea how to navigate through...yay for me.

Wasting time reading this - Part II

So Sarah and I have had some good discussions about politics and some of the big issues that we are voting on or that we immediately look at to see where a candidate stands on the issue. Why is an issue an issue? How can two individuals who profess the same faith, go to the same church, read the same holy writ and pray the same way have totally opposite political views? Not only similar religious views do they hold, but seemingly similar cultural, social and economic upbringing. Same town, same middle-class standing, same High School, same type of friends…
So what causes different political viewpoints? To me, when speaking to Sarah about it, it seemed an issue was an issue because of how we looked at it on a moral standpoint. Without the moral value, there didn’t seem to be an issue. It seemed wrong with allowing the government a certain right for a certain group. Neither Sarah nor I could come up with a ‘really good’ argument against the other. No analogy really made the other stop and think. Both of us certainly could see the others’ viewpoint though. We definitely aren’t a marriage where politics gets in the way. Only recently have I even raised the issues, and that is because I have gone exploring. Here are the basics between Sarah and I. I argue that even though these are morally wrong things, it is more important to leave the freedom of choice intact. Even though we should all basically agree what is right and what is wrong, it should still be an individual’s choice to make. Sarah counters with an emphasis on other freedoms that we give up in society, or choices that have legal consequences, and argues that those are the same. I disagree but cannot offer a good rebuttal except that there are laws that affect others more significantly and as such, are more obvious to have to obey. So far, I seem to be alone in the thinking about the war in heaven and what we actually fought for. We didn’t fight for righteousness.

We didn’t fight good versus bad as the world likes to portray it down here. We fought for freedom. We fought for the freedom to act and not to be acted upon. We fought for the individuality and personal right to choices. It wasn’t the mundane, seemingly insignificant choices that we fought for, it was a fight for the ability to win back heaven on our own, for mortality was not worth it if we had a free ticket in our hands. We had to fight for the ticket everyday of our mortal lives, making choices that defined us. We knew the consequences of Father’s plan. We knew we would lose family and friends here in mortality, not to mention the ones we lost in the war in heaven. What a significant loss! Father seemed to have lost more than we did, as right from the beginning, He lost a third of all His children. After that, He watched as His only begotten died in vain for many individuals who chose morally wrong choices time and time again until they reached the point of no return. But without that proof that we offer each day of our lives, God cannot condemn nor reward us. We are not proving anything by obeying a government who practices immediate legal action against us for breaking the law. It is easy to obey the law if you know a cop is watching, or if you know you won’t get away with it.
These are some of our thoughts, yet we can’t get past our own feelings of right and wrong. I want there to be political harmony in my house, but I realize that the ultimate political harmony exists. We are living with necessary evils, democracy being one of them. As I am reading Hugh Nibley’s ‘Approaching Zion’, I realized again that this church isn’t doing what it should be as individuals mostly: taking giant strides toward establishing Zion here on earth. With Zion comes the law of consecration. With that law and Zion comes perfection. No need to argue over which political viewpoint is right or wrong. No need to waste hours maybe even weeks of our lives each election year deciding who to vote for. No need to ‘settle’ for a lesser of two evils in an elected official.
But who am I to say? My viewpoint is skewed and I obviously haven’t been praying or reading my scriptures enough. Even though I am not alone in my thinking, all those that think like me are going to Hell and there is nothing I can do about it. There is no thinking for ones self in this regard, there is no need to worry about how to vote for all that is taken care of right? Even though the church stays neutral politically, certain implications lead over 90% of all Saints to vote a certain way, which is sad, it really really is. There aren’t enough ‘thinking’ mormons out there. They rely on a neutrality to pick a side. But again, my viewpoint is skewed and I am going to Hell.
On another note. Being mildly ostracized is a small side story to my life. Everywhere I have gone, I have experienced it at least on some small degree. I was a bit different at school, no matter how hard I tried to fit in. I was a bit different at church, scouts, with friends, anywhere. Now I come to face the fact that all my life I was a bit different at home as well. Yes we are all individuals and have our own quirks and do our own special things, but with me not fitting in anywhere else, this snubbing or exclusion finally got to me in Junior High. After I hit that wall and decided to avoid hitting it again, I have come to realize that I cannot ignore it. Even though that aspect of my life is little, and I can live without hitting it head on, every once in awhile it will pop up in my line of sight and I seemingly cannot avoid it. I even tried telling myself ostracism isn’t a bad thing, it is good. My individuality and I can live life without anyone else. Forget all you meanies! But that is all part of the wall that I cannot avoid being part of my life. I cannot escape the truth that it hurts. Walls hurt no matter how you look at it. If you avoid direct collision, you still have to alter your path to go around, or take significant time to climb over, interrupting your life and affecting it for good.
When I met Sarah and grew to have a spousal love for her, I came to know my eternal companion. I have come to realize she is the most important person in my life, and that wall of ostracism became smaller and smaller. Here is someone who will love me no matter what. Even when I mess up there is no snubbing or ignoring. She loves me for who I am and who I am becoming. So everyday, when I go out into the world, I know I can come home to someone who understands me and accepts me. No matter where I go, what I do or who I talk with, she listens and tries to understand everything. For that I believe she will be truly blessed.

If you read this, you better not have anything better to do, like pick your nose.

Life can be interesting. Your perspective can take a 180 at times, or at other times, you are able to fly high above the earth and view a situation as an outsider. At times, you may think you have a lot on your plate, while at the same time can consider ‘your plate’ quite possibly near empty and you are only trying to tell yourself it is full. Life also can seem like you are hitting a bunch of milestones, when it reality, they are nothing but one-tenth reflective markers to help promote safe driving at night. Yet, we try and dig out the meaning of experiences. Even those experiences that have none, we somehow award value points under categories that seem to deliver a ‘catch-all’ encompassment if all else fails. Then there are the different camps people espouse. I have recently gone exploring to see which camp I can identify with best. I grew up in the camp that ‘everything happens for a reason’, along with ‘life is directed, more or less, by God’ and other such similar camps. Finding meaning is essential for these camps, for if life is directed by God, then there must be meaning in everything that happens. Some choices in my life I know have no religious aspects to them at all. Even though I can attribute all good things coming from God, all bad things I have no problem keeping a safe distance away from giving Him credit. Even if He ‘allows’ bad things to happen for our good and experience, that does not justify everything, or explain all bad decisions, for we are agents unto ourselves, and as such, cannot expect God to intervene when such choices are being made, even when it affects others. Now I suppose He CAN intervene if that other person/peoples’ plans are affected in such a way that something must be done to keep those plans in tact, according to their faith or God’s overall plan, etc. But the very essence of free agency tells me that even though God WANTS us to have direction, and wants to be involved in our lives, that doesn’t mean that our lives are directed by God. It only means we can find meaning when we want, or we can find meaninglessness if that is what suits us for a particular time.

So do you ever get tired of it all? Of course. One gets tired of most things. Tired of hearing about God being in everything, tired of all this talk about God, how ‘society’ throws so many tests of faith at us and we are expected not to question our faith, but be stalwart bearers of truth and example and what not. I grow tired of that burden that not only Christians put on themselves, but Latter-Day Saints. I am a human too! We are expected to take the truth to the world without fear or doubt, doing all we can to spread the good news to everyone we meet. We are expected to be shining examples of Christ in all we do and say so that everyone has a chance to hear the truth in their own way and their own time. We are expected to have all the answers for the world. We are expected to be on a mission from God. We are expected to represent Jesus himself. This isn’t a cry for help, it is a cry for my brothers and sisters to start acting like they were born with a conscience. I am done filling, or feeling guilty for not filling that role for you. Fortunately, Christ gave us all his light (a conscience) and we will all be judged accordingly, not judged by how many souls we save, even though God gives us little gold stars on our foreheads for stuff like that. Sometimes in school we skip the extracurricular activities, well this year I am focusing on certain classes and ignoring all the clubs and sports teams.

Which brings me to another topic. I am a selfish person. There is no denying it (although I haven’t for some time now). But I find this subject popping up in every aspect of my life and in every relationship I have. This tells me I have to change, I know this. Isn’t one of the first steps admitting you have a problem? I don’t know if it is one of the harder ones, but I clearly admit it. I think in today’s culture, the hardest step is the actual change. It is actually cool to admit problems in today’s society. People are accepted for who they are and society confuses what a person is with their misdeeds, addictions and sins, so people translate that into accepting the sin, not just the sinner. We turn the other way when the men and women we and our children idolize have drug, gambling or marital problems to name minor ones. Finding a clean hero in the limelight is slim pickin’s these days. But that is one of our problems. We are idolizing the wrong people. Why should our children’s heroes be found in sports or Hollywood when they adhere to our cultures standards? And wow, did you see how I started out talking about my problem and turned it outwards? Back to me. Actual change is the hardest step. Admitting it may be hard, but I don’t know if God awards points for that. I can admit to a problem ‘till I’m blue in the face but it doesn’t change my heart.

It is interesting where I have gotten and how I have gotten where I am at in my life. Speaking of my thought process and not really my situation, I have come to a very interesting place. I am fascinated by how deep the LDS blogging community goes and how easily it can make your head spin, with so many individual blogs, connected to ‘aggregates’ or what not, which blogs are liberal and which are orthodox, whether or not that matters…it quite quickly makes your head spin trying to read some of the content alone, not even worrying about connecting sites or subjects. The major thought I came out of a recent perusal of these blogs was that everyone wants to voice their opinion. The internet is a beautiful place to do this. You know you are getting your voice heard as your words are being ‘published’ for the world to see, and somehow that satisfies your craving for people to listen to you. It is just one more step away from our personal conversations and one step closer to the impersonal, communicate-through-technology lifestyle we are adapting to. More and more our interactions throughout a typical day involve more faceless characters through a computer or phone screen and less the interactions face-to-face of a family member, coworker or neighbor. This is not to say that a certain dosage of blogging and texting is a bad thing. We can definitely learn from each other through this medium, especially when one cannot find a family member, coworker or neighbor to talk some of these things out that haunt our minds. But when considering the volumes and volumes of online material that have been archived over the last few years, people seem to be talking more and more with their keyboard and less and less with their mouths, the way God really did intend. Nothing can replace the comfort of my mother or wife’s voice. Nothing can bring such awesome joy as my children’s. There is definitely something to be said of hearing a voice that hasn’t been heard in years from a good friend or loved one as well. Human interaction. This is all I am saying. I know I spend too much time online. I will say some of the material I have found online has helped with my testimony, but I still cannot justify all the time I have spent here and not in some kind of relationship building communication. And yet, here I am, typing! So yes, I am preaching to the choir or whatever. Another reason for this rant, you don’t have to be anybody to blog your opinion and then link it to all the other blogs. One can literally waste ones time jumping from one blog to another senselessly, learning or gaining nothing because these people blog about whatever they want. Their opinion matters to them and roughly that is it. All they want is to know that their words are out there to be read by another, and that tells them that they are important.

Now personal blogs are a little less self-serving. They join family and friends and update them with pictures and ‘journal’ entries about their lives. This can replace phone calls and visits, but often does not justify a lack of said things. They merely keep people in touch and let them know how you and your family is doing. It can be, but is much less a soapbox or high-horse that allows an opinion to be heard.

Something that has been on my mind a great deal is free will. With so many controversial topics in the world today that we often have opportunity to vote on, I think a sound and solid foundation of the doctrine of free will, or moral agency is crucial. Not only the doctrine of moral agency, but the subject of freedom that this country was founded upon is necessary to understand. With such an emphasis on freedom and liberty, how does one turn around and pursue something that contradicts this freedom? Impingements upon our rights as citizens and God’s children aren’t conducive to the Constitution or the Plan of Salvation which gives us moral agency to enable growth and progress. Without growth and progress, we may as well have chosen Lucifer’s plan which supposedly forced good upon us all, taking away any options or choices. Yes, today we are faced with choices that may arguably be viewed as pure evil, but they are to be left open as choices nonetheless.

But then I think of the laws that ARE enforced in the land and in the church. There are boundaries that we cannot cross without direct and immediate consequences. You profess bi- or homosexuality, you get kicked out of church. You kill a man, you get put in jail, etc. There are laws that are acceptable in the land that we abide by as citizens in order to keep peace and maintain justice and so forth. The laws within a church keep us spiritually safe and also maintain a peaceful community and ensure justice.

So what is the difference between murdering an adult with a gun and aborting a pregnancy? Between homo and hetero marriage? Why is does one have acceptable laws governing it and the other does not?

Are we to be the judges in this, or are we to leave that judgment to God? Are we to take away the freedom to choose regarding these controversial topics, or do we allow that freedom, knowing it changes the face of society? Besides our ‘knowing’ that abortion and gay marriage is inherently wrong, what gives us justification to prohibit others from their rights to choose?

The first fight over this was in the pre-mortal realm, where we lost 33 out of every 100 brothers and sisters in God. They, like many today, argued that people shouldn’t have the right to choose such heinous crimes. They, like us today, knew what man was capable of and chose to not allow that to happen personally. There was of course more to both sides, but one aspect of Lucifer’s plan was to prohibit such atrocities from happening.

What an appealing argument! Some people today cannot bear the sinful nature of humans and the choices we make. But all who come to earth chose moral agency over forced righteousness. The war continues, but it seems that many have switched their vote. It seems that many are voting for the forced righteousness, whether that is how you view it or not, it is a similar concept.

The argument they use is that those who abort babies are murdering a helpless child. Well then, this is why it is controversial, right? When is a baby alive? How can an unborn baby have rights separate from the mother? Why is it ok to kill a baby after a rape or incest, but its not ok to kill a baby after a thoughtless night of teenage passion?

Then there is the whole gay marriage thing. Are we keeping gays from a little more happiness because we think they are going to overthrow our families? How does this work exactly? First we allow them to get married, next thing we know, we are banning heterosexual marriages? I am a bit confused. Just because someone chooses a different lifestyle, or it was forced upon them somehow doesn’t mean they are trying to undermine ‘normal’ sexual behavior. Yes, I agree its disgusting, yes I think it is a dysfunction from normal behavior, but I believe we are only making it worse, as we are making more enemies than friends. If we recognize these people as humans that have just as many rights as we do, then America becomes all the more better for it. Happiness comes in many forms, this is a true form of happiness and respect that gay people deserve. There is no undermining of a heterosexual family when we open up legal marriages to them.

I am still in the process of exploring these new ideas, but if we don’t explore all ideas, how do we know which one to espouse ourselves? Yes I agree that to follow the Prophet will save us in these terrible times. This is worth noting. Without the Prophet to guide us, we wouldn’t be where we are as Latter-Day Saints. Part of this personal exploration leads me off the strait and narrow. I am not saying this is ideal, or a prerequisite to a solid foundation or anything, I am merely stating the truth of the path I have taken. This is also a bit of an overstatement. Exploring new ideas may or may not be straying off the strait and narrow, but it certainly is looking at ideas that aren’t necessarily inline with church authority.

I may have said it before, but I will say it again: legalizing, or allowing certain things to take place is in no way promoting those actions. It is like condoms given out at a High School: a necessary evil. You know full well (depending on the High School) that a certain percentage will be having premarital sex. You also know full well that handing out free condoms and educating them will ultimately save lives and actually negate the whole abortion issue in a very small way.

Maybe my ideas are skewed, but they aren’t really mine, I am exploring, remember?

spaghetti night.....mare

what a fun experience it is to see 3 children playing with their food. I love it. Tensley loves to go to town on the soft noodles and of course they just slide down her throat like butter.
Orson loves to eat but as you can tell i dont think he knows what a fork is yet. Using his hands is the only way to go according to him.
Connor is just using his fork nicely as you can tell he is trying the turning technique and is doing quite nicely.

Too sacred?

I am not sure this is appropriate for 'the world's' availability, but I want to use my blog as a journal, for it seems to be less lost than a scrap of paper that will eventually lose itself in a box full of memories along with dozens of other random scraps of paper with random thoughts or memories.
I poured my heart out to Sarah tonight, keeping her up 'till almost 1 am talking about my dad. Besides the time two weeks ago where I cried like a baby over the inescapable, almost unbearable pain, I don't remember sobbing like I did tonight since I received personal revelation and an answer to my prayers as to whether I should go on a mission, over 9 years ago. Like then, the tears flowed like through a crack in an awesome dam, relentlessly pushing outward until the reservoir had reached that point where the pressure was relieved. It started with mom's call, then Alex's call, then Tiffany's conversation, and yes, lastly with Bryan's talk about my dad. That was the last of the conversations, I was just warming up with the waterworks though. I couldn't stop talking about my dad, perspective, how he is too young to die, and how, quite frankly, I don't think one of us is ready, truly ready, for him to die. I am jealous for everyone around him now for a number of reasons, but for this current thought for the fact that they can see him and feel his pain more than I can and allow him relief in death when it comes. I cannot so easily allow him that. But even with mutual suffering and prayer for his relief even if it means then end of his mortality, I doubt anyone is really ready for that man to die.
I did a junior high project that highlighted a hero from the students' life. Anyone was vulnerable to be posted up on a 'cute' posterboard of the eighth graders in this history class (I believe, maybe english). I nevertheless remember vividly the poster I made of my dad, the sole receiver of the larger-than-life status I put on anyone I thought I wanted to be like. Sure there was Neil Armstrong, but I could achieve astronaut status if I wanted, and I could possibly do it with more 'glory' than Neil, for he despised physical fitness and did it only because he enjoyed being a test pilot and astronaut. How could he despise physical fitness? How could he think it is a waste of the allotted heartbeats given at birth? Yeah, I could, if I wanted (thought this junior high kid) achieve and best his status. What about Barry Sanders? Same story. He was a harder one though. He was the greatest, and he was the humblest (that I could tell) at his profession. He never danced in the end zone and he never traded to another team for more money or more status or glory on a winning team. In my book he was the greatest back field player to ever grace the field. But I could do that too if I really wanted. I was fast. Andy told me more than once that I was a natural runner (ego boost). I could run down any forward in soccer and take the ball away (or at least stop him from scoring). I also thought I did pretty good in our little football games with friends. Not always but often I could out maneuver and out run opponents for a touchdown. Barry Sanders lived among the stars, but he lived in our milky way.

When it came to David Skelton, his status was unique. He could make me mad and put me in awe at the same time. He was, in my young eyes, more glorious than Lance Armstrong or Greg Lemond on a bike. He was more awesome than Michael Jordan in the rare instance you could catch him playing church ball in his multi-colored, clashing outfit that distracted more than served a purpose as athletic apparel. He had the moves on the basketball field, baseball field and any other field I played with him or watched him on. He epitomized 'hustle' for that was his word. He would tell mom after a day on the field that I was a hustler (sorry andy, your 'natural' comment, although big coming from an older brother, has nothing on dad commenting on my 'hustling ability, even though I am sure he said it about every single one of us).

Ball playing aside, his status was still unique. Dad was the ultimate. He could circumnavigate the world on a bike if he needed to. I am confident the miles logged on the few bikes he frequently rode will testify to that in the afterlife. But oh the adventures we went on with dad! I never knew that such a small town such as Bountiful Utah could have so many secret roads, alleyways, connecting paths and other secrets bike maneuvers that only he knew about. It was awesome to spend so many hours out touring the city on a bike, yet that makes almost no sense. I could tell story upon story of the things we hauled home on our bikes (mostly my dad). We built a treehouse out of what he carried home (which is another story in and of itself). Dad was my Lance Armstrong and nothing in the world can knock him off the podium labeled 'best biker in the world, for all time, infiinity plus one.'

Ah the treehouse. Dad was a smart man. He knew (although we did our best to hide it) when one of us would get home and run inside. Alex would somehow get reeled in in helping him weld some crazy addition after school and I would mutter 'sucker' under my breath and go hide in my room ( I never remember using homework as an excuse for I rarely had it and when I did, I finished it in under an hour). But in hindsight we all (I think) had a blast helping dad. I am also sure we all have a story where they, like myself, was certain death was staring them in the face as the dared climb out on the non-supported bar to weld another non-supported bar with the likely chance that hot metal will be dropping and hitting your hand or arm for you are not only holding in the only place that you CAN hold on to, you are holding on where it will be warming up to a comfy million degrees Fahrenheit and it is directly under the place that dad is spot welding, as he levitates on the other side, where there is nowhere to stand or hang on to. Sorry, hero status is automatic with a dad that can levitate.

On a more sober note, my dad solidifies the awesomest man in the world through the gospel. Let's go right to the top of the list of mortals who may deserve our label of hero. Joseph Smith undoubtedly represents hero status for millions in a million different ways. Yet I find him quite absent in some defining moments that I needed a hero. He was not there in those subtle, precious moments almost everyday of my life where I grew up in a house of love. Love for me, love for the gospel and love for others through living it. Yeah, I know Joseph had this. I know it not just from words in a book, but from the Spirit. But it cannot come out of the shadow of my dad as he lived it right in front of my face, giving me this love and showing me how to do it. Okay, lets move to living prophets. Are you kidding me? In my book, Joseph trumps all other prophets, so how can they trump my dad? I won't go into my logic or reason or whatever you call this dribble, but there is no way that I see anyone in the same light I view my dad when it comes to teaching me the only thing worth learning in this life (Mom, you were there too, but you know this). Can any of my siblings still remember the way he prepared for talks in sacrament (not even to mention the actual anxiety attack the bishop called his talks?). Pulling out books for quotes, yelling across the house asking where a reference is to Hawkeye (mom). What an inspiration, just to prepare for a talk! I know that influenced all the prep. time I spent in my farewell, every mission opportunity, and my homecoming tour in the stake.

I do not offer any sort of profound truths here. I don't even know if you will walk away grateful for having wasted your time reading this. All I know is that we all need to prepare for this milestone in our lives, no matter when it comes, and this is one way I think I can prepare. I have come to a realization that some things I write need to be seen, or at least I need to think they are being seen, instead of hidden away in a memory box. My dad will always be my hero. Who could I trust to be there everyday? Who showed my that enduring love of a father, of a man who emulated the Savior the best way he knew how? Who taught me how to play, live, love and have faith? My dad. David Milner Skelton. His legacy started a long time ago. He then went on a mission to South Africa where he planted a small seed whose fruits currently cannot be counted. Then he sent 100% of his mission force through his sons whose young fruits cannot be counted. Let us not even mention the success rate of children married in the temple for time and all eternity. No matter how you weigh that success, it is a legacy that few can count in their pocket.

I can even say that my dad is my hero because of his temper. Right now dad looks like a stalk of celery that has hugged up against the plastic drawer of a 'crisper' in a fridge for over three months. He may very well be physically beaten, mentally worn out, and emotionally and spiritually distraught to the point of giving up. Yet I would not count that flame put out. Damaged beyond repair, yes. Warped and disfigured for life? Of course. But the flame burns like a trick candle on a birdthday cake, I am sure. How is this translated? Passion. My dad had passion for life. He had passion for raising his children. He had passion for creating. He had passion for biking, the gospel, reading, culture, knowledge....My dad lived. His life was and is full. Whether it is his time or not, David Skelton lived with passion. I mention his temper, because that is what we defined as passion growing up coming from him. He didn't just live life. he didn't just go through the motions or turn into a bringing-home-bacon machine. He lived and if I may speak for others again, I may say that it may be better to live with a short temper than no temper at all? Yes! he IS alive! He has spirit! Sorry mom for possibly trivializing any of the fights you found it hard to forgive him for or over.

Mom's story is just as long and just as heroic. Behind every great man stands a great woman and vice versa. Dad could not be my hero without my mother. Mom has equal status and gratitude from us all for the legacy that is us. I just needed to say something of my dad today. Thank you for reading. Sarah got her earful and she didn't have a choice to stop mid-story and take a break. Thank you dad for teaching me love, teaching me faith, teaching me strentgh and how to access it within. Thank you for showing me God. Thank you for bikes and all that that implies. Thank you for mom and for my wife and learning where to find her. Thank you for Wiley and her undying love for you. Somehow that taught me a lot - the love of a faithful dog. Thank you for the treehouse and the trips to get sand for the two sandboxes. Thank you for never having a lawn to get after us to mow. Thank you for camping. Thank you for my love of education, learning, books and the gospel. Thank you for my relationships with Andy, Bryan, Alex and Marne'. Thank you for baseball. Thank you for my truck with a top and carpet. Thank you for the jack you got for my birthday. Thank you for wanting to fix everything in my garage and driveway. Thank you for camping. Thank you for camping with hot water. Thank you for our camp trailer. Thank you for never buying a tarp that kept us dry on every trip. Thank you for teaching me how to ride a motorcycle. Thank you for spending the money on that Fuji that still works and sits proudly in my garage with all the original parts. Thank you for teaching me how to listen to the Spirit in more ways than one, but by being still. It is no small thing to call it a still small voice. Thank you for Andy. In some way you will be passing the torch to him and I thank you for passing it to someone that is worthy to carry it. Thank you for my Eagle scout award. Thank you for learning to ride a bike at 3. Thank you for the countless trips taken not only for the first merit badge I got (cycling), but for the man it helped build within, enduring the heat and cold, hitting the wall...Thank you for owning a motorcycle and a mustang and a truck. Thank you for being able to write this list. Thank you for everything I still want to be. Thank you for passion, thank you for being my hero in the fullest sense of the word.

As I enjoy writing and jotting down mindless dribble, I am sure there is more to come. For now, that has eased my spirit and calmed my soul enough to maybe stop thinking about my dad, not being there (for me), and wishing I could get to Utah in any way possible. I can concoct some crazy scheme tomorrow.

So I finally got around to uploading some pics. The first one is Tensley. The fact that she is mine and I love her is what is going on in this pic. Next is Orson. We caught him playing by himself and looking out the window at cars going by and the like. He seems to be getting along by himself when Connor goes to school. Next is Connor at his preschool class. He has a backpack fit for a preschooler now, the one in the pic is the free air force bag I got from the recruiter. He loves school so much sometimes I wonder if he wouldn't stay there if we never came to get him, but the other day he gave mommy a very tender kiss and hug goodbye, so he has a good balance of love for school and home.

Thoughts...

This was something I started typing last night at work. It is different writing on a blank word document and writing a post on my blog. I thought I'd post it though...

It has been awhile since I have just written to get my thoughts on paper. Since returning from the mission, I have written to organize specific thoughts on a specific topic that I have been pondering. While on my mission, I wrote often, for my mind was being exposed constantly to foreign ideas and liberal interpretations of lds doctrine that I didn’t know exactly how to handle.

July 24, 2008 I was with the family at the Sheffield cabin. It was a Thursday and we had just finished the second day of pouring cement for the basement floor the day previous. Most of us were at the beach waterskiing. I didn’t plan on skiing at all, for the week prior I had injured my ankle, knee and hip playing soccer for a team organized from active duty air force personnel from ellsworth (Today, September 11, the seven year anniversary of the terrorist attacks, my ankle still hurts quite obviously, and I am sure my knee is still tender). So, for reasons not prominent in my head right now, I decide to go skiing. I get a wetsuit on and jump in the water. Normal water temperature, normal warm, July day. As soon as I am about to pop out of the water, I feel my back tweak. My back has done this before, with similar pains.

Once, while in tech. school, I got up on a Sat. or Sun. after being horizontal on a crappy mattress for something like 12 plus hours and bent over to put my socks on and was hunched over like a 90 year old for a day and a half. But I recovered fully in 36 hours.

This was somehow different. I was optimistic that I would recover at the most after a week or so. The pain was so tremendous that I called the base clinic the Monday after to schedule an appt. if for anything else to at least get some pain medicine. That marked the beginning of a long journey, battling a slow system that habitually mistreats and misdiagnoses military personnel to get them back to work as quickly as possible. What is missed is often the fact that quick isn’t always best. In my case, I can see how small steps should be taken first, then have them lead to bigger steps if necessary. It is nonetheless unfortunate that it took 7 weeks for me to get a consultation with a neurosurgeon after having an MRI done to show that I had two slight bulging discs and a herniated disc in my lower back.

Before that, I had been back to the base clinic three different times for the same problem, and downtown to a physical therapist where I was given electric message therapy and traction therapy. The traction therapy actually set my slow recovery back tenfold. Never before with this injury had I felt such horrifying pain and agony than what I felt immediately after undergoing traction therapy, where a series of belts are placed around your torso and upper legs and arms, you lay on a bed, get connected to a pulley and the pulley is connected to a machine that applies tremendous stretching to the spine, in an attempt to relieve pressure on the discs. Apparently it is effective for others….I on the other hand would have them burned for being a form of torture.

I do not blame or resent Dr. Karl Kirsch for that experience. It is unfortunate it happened, but my anger I have been more or less able to keep under wraps when directed outwardly. For that matter, inwardly as well. My anger seems to have been smothered during this whole experience by the pain. Something that all of my emotions have experienced.

As I contemplate my pathetic existence, I am always finding myself feeling guilty for putting my experience before that of others in my thoughts. Bryan has been suffering tremendously and they have yet to give his ailment a definitive root cause. My dad suffers of course constantly, yet always is able to make it worse by falling, being made to suffer by trying to stay mobile. Not even active or busy, just mobile. Bryan is in a huge transition where they are renovating their new house – grandma skelton’s corner house that she bought. Alex has a baby coming – their first, and is trying to get back into the student lifestyle, knocking out classes while paying off debt. Marne’ is still going to school at byu-idaho. She went on a history tour back east, visiting church sites and u.s. history sites. Mom struggles financially to support her and dad as well as Marne’. Andy seems well put together right now. I pray his knee stays strong as he finds great therapy on his bike. I feel another small storm may be brewing for him as he is about to enter the bishopric as a counselor.

As I ponder how horrible my life is and as my thoughts lead to others such as these, I remember my blessings. I wouldn’t trade my healthy children and wife for the world on a silver platter. Yes things come up, but they are mentally and physically sound, they have all their senses, and so far, they aren’t allergic to anything major. I don’t mean to rub it in for anyone who doesn’t enjoy these blessings, all I mean to say is that my life is awesome just for that fact alone. Yet, I think I learned that early in another position in this perspective. My parents have experienced all sons going on successful missions, all sons being married in the temple, and all children going to college. Marne’ is young still, but she seems more on track than any of the boys. So a 100% success rate isn’t bad at all. Not even the prophets in the Bible or BoM can boast that, yet my father, whether giving him the credit or not, has enjoyed a righteous posterity thus far. He will pass this mortal state with this righteous line. Some grandchildren may or may not stray, but his success, partly, comes from this awesome blessing.

Another thought leads me into an altogether different vein. I was thinking about how Christ has a unique experience that is quite advantageous when He becomes a god. He perfectly relates to all pain and suffering. According to some interpretations of what Joseph Smith said, God the Father also suffered as Jesus did on another world. Whether He did or not, I think it is generally agreed that God perfectly relates to all mortal experience and knows the pain we go through as a Father knows the pains of a child as the child grows and experiences the different stages of life, for, not only has the father been there and done that, but he is his father, and as such feels the pain immediately upon knowing of the child’s suffering. This leads to the question of our experiences. Will there be multiple mortal experiences so we can come back and experience all suffering as Jesus did, or will the mortal experiences we have here and now be sufficient? For, in this perspective, I think my father has quite an upper hand when it comes to relating to others’ pain - I am jealous in a way. Not only will he be more apt to relate, but his victory over death will be that much sweeter when it comes compared to a mortal who had the luxury of skating through will nary a scratch. But this is just a pondering for now.

So I may be standing at that last station in the subway tunnel, where you can see the light at the end, but you can’t go down the tunnel until the subway comes. My subway operator is the neurosurgeon and the subway I am boarding is either going to be the cortisone steroid shot or surgery. The cortisone subway is scheduled to be there first, but if I don’t like it, I wait for the next subway to lead me to the light at the end of the tunnel.

9/12/08

This was something I started typing last night at work. It is different writing on a blank word document and writing a post on my blog. I thought I'd post it though...

It has been awhile since I have just written to get my thoughts on paper. Since returning from the mission, I have written to organize specific thoughts on a specific topic that I have been pondering. While on my mission, I wrote often, for my mind was being exposed constantly to foreign ideas and liberal interpretations of lds doctrine that I didn’t know exactly how to handle.

July 24, 2008 I was with the family at the Sheffield cabin. It was a Thursday and we had just finished the second day of pouring cement for the basement floor the day previous. Most of us were at the beach waterskiing. I didn’t plan on skiing at all, for the week prior I had injured my ankle, knee and hip playing soccer for a team organized from active duty air force personnel from ellsworth (Today, September 11, the seven year anniversary of the terrorist attacks, my ankle still hurts quite obviously, and I am sure my knee is still tender). So, for reasons not prominent in my head right now, I decide to go skiing. I get a wetsuit on and jump in the water. Normal water temperature, normal warm, July day. As soon as I am about to pop out of the water, I feel my back tweak. My back has done this before, with similar pains.

Once, while in tech. school, I got up on a Sat. or Sun. after being horizontal on a crappy mattress for something like 12 plus hours and bent over to put my socks on and was hunched over like a 90 year old for a day and a half. But I recovered fully in 36 hours.

This was somehow different. I was optimistic that I would recover at the most after a week or so. The pain was so tremendous that I called the base clinic the Monday after to schedule an appt. if for anything else to at least get some pain medicine. That marked the beginning of a long journey, battling a slow system that habitually mistreats and misdiagnoses military personnel to get them back to work as quickly as possible. What is missed is often the fact that quick isn’t always best. In my case, I can see how small steps should be taken first, then have them lead to bigger steps if necessary. It is nonetheless unfortunate that it took 7 weeks for me to get a consultation with a neurosurgeon after having an MRI done to show that I had two slight bulging discs and a herniated disc in my lower back.

Before that, I had been back to the base clinic three different times for the same problem, and downtown to a physical therapist where I was given electric message therapy and traction therapy. The traction therapy actually set my slow recovery back tenfold. Never before with this injury had I felt such horrifying pain and agony than what I felt immediately after undergoing traction therapy, where a series of belts are placed around your torso and upper legs and arms, you lay on a bed, get connected to a pulley and the pulley is connected to a machine that applies tremendous stretching to the spine, in an attempt to relieve pressure on the discs. Apparently it is effective for others….I on the other hand would have them burned for being a form of torture.

I do not blame or resent Dr. Karl Kirsch for that experience. It is unfortunate it happened, but my anger I have been more or less able to keep under wraps when directed outwardly. For that matter, inwardly as well. My anger seems to have been smothered during this whole experience by the pain. Something that all of my emotions have experienced.

As I contemplate my pathetic existence, I am always finding myself feeling guilty for putting my experience before that of others in my thoughts. Bryan has been suffering tremendously and they have yet to give his ailment a definitive root cause. My dad suffers of course constantly, yet always is able to make it worse by falling, being made to suffer by trying to stay mobile. Not even active or busy, just mobile. Bryan is in a huge transition where they are renovating their new house – grandma skelton’s corner house that she bought. Alex has a baby coming – their first, and is trying to get back into the student lifestyle, knocking out classes while paying off debt. Marne’ is still going to school at byu-idaho. She went on a history tour back east, visiting church sites and u.s. history sites. Mom struggles financially to support her and dad as well as Marne’. Andy seems well put together right now. I pray his knee stays strong as he finds great therapy on his bike. I feel another small storm may be brewing for him as he is about to enter the bishopric as a counselor.

As I ponder how horrible my life is and as my thoughts lead to others such as these, I remember my blessings. I wouldn’t trade my healthy children and wife for the world on a silver platter. Yes things come up, but they are mentally and physically sound, they have all their senses, and so far, they aren’t allergic to anything major. I don’t mean to rub it in for anyone who doesn’t enjoy these blessings, all I mean to say is that my life is awesome just for that fact alone. Yet, I think I learned that early in another position in this perspective. My parents have experienced all sons going on successful missions, all sons being married in the temple, and all children going to college. Marne’ is young still, but she seems more on track than any of the boys. So a 100% success rate isn’t bad at all. Not even the prophets in the Bible or BoM can boast that, yet my father, whether giving him the credit or not, has enjoyed a righteous posterity thus far. He will pass this mortal state with this righteous line. Some grandchildren may or may not stray, but his success, partly, comes from this awesome blessing.

Another thought leads me into an altogether different vein. I was thinking about how Christ has a unique experience that is quite advantageous when He becomes a god. He perfectly relates to all pain and suffering. According to some interpretations of what Joseph Smith said, God the Father also suffered as Jesus did on another world. Whether He did or not, I think it is generally agreed that God perfectly relates to all mortal experience and knows the pain we go through as a Father knows the pains of a child as the child grows and experiences the different stages of life, for, not only has the father been there and done that, but he is his father, and as such feels the pain immediately upon knowing of the child’s suffering. This leads to the question of our experiences. Will there be multiple mortal experiences so we can come back and experience all suffering as Jesus did, or will the mortal experiences we have here and now be sufficient? For, in this perspective, I think my father has quite an upper hand when it comes to relating to others’ pain - I am jealous in a way. Not only will he be more apt to relate, but his victory over death will be that much sweeter when it comes compared to a mortal who had the luxury of skating through will nary a scratch. But this is just a pondering for now.

So I may be standing at that last station in the subway tunnel, where you can see the light at the end, but you can’t go down the tunnel until the subway comes. My subway operator is the neurosurgeon and the subway I am boarding is either going to be the cortisone steroid shot or surgery. The cortisone subway is scheduled to be there first, but if I don’t like it, I wait for the next subway to lead me to the light at the end of the tunnel.