I have to thank Tiffany, my sister-in-law for showing me that blogging can be just blogging. I am always trying to put meaning and depth to every post. This one is no different, I just wanted to point out that I notice what I think to be a suppressant to my writing in one way.
You ever get sick of yourself? Where you don't feel much self-worth and you are sick and tired of the life you live? You ever get so sick of it that even inspirational messages, books, scripture are obnoxious, because you have been down that road before and you are in the same exact place when you began? I am so tired of my life that I don't know what to think anymore. Laziness has overcome me so well that I don't even know how to try, what to try or anything. Sometimes, I don't even know if I know myself very well. I try and tell myself that I am one kind of person, disgusted with others' habits or the way they carry themselves or the conversations they hold at work, yet I judge them thinking my life is somehow better when it isn't. At least they pursue something they enjoy and know a bit about themselves to know what they like in life. Even though they pursue the 'natural man' they still live. I, on the other hand do not identify with much. I don't pursue anything very well and I don't identify with anything or anyone. I am tired. I am tired of listening to my mind. I am tired of what I do to myself in more ways than one. There are things right in front of my nose that needs to be enjoyed and I don't really really see them. I know where to find true meaning, life's happiness, and a better relationship with my Maker, yet I don't pursue them. Why? What is it about me that is so inherently corrupt? Why can't I struggle to do what I am supposed to do instead of give up and sit down? This was part of me from the beginning. Nothing recent has much affected these thoughts. I am who I am and I don't even know what that means to me. What a place to put these kinds of thoughts, ay?
and when I say "where" that doesn't necessarily mean physically...you know what I mean. Shutting up now. :)
ReplyDeleteThe last time I felt like that, I moved to Salt Lake (which was the most frightening, bold thing I had done to that point of my life). 2 years later I met Bryan. Sometimes for me, a total dissatisfaction with where you are is the Lord's way of nudging you in a different direction. Maybe, maybe not. In any case, we love you, and I understand :) You won't feel like this forever.
ReplyDeleteI certainly agree with being in a spot that the Lord can nudge you in the direction He wants you to go. I have been there as well. My life would be completely and totally different if I had not listened and followed the path the Lord placed in front of me. I love you, you are in my prayers everyday, and your name in always in the Temple.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we have not found what the Lord wants from us, our true mission in the Kingdom. That was part of my issue during my illness. Finding true self identity can be an amazing anti-depressant. Love ya man!
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