Change is the subject on my mind lately for multiple reasons. We'll start slow.
Obviously I am going through a relocation with my family. This change is big, even though we are moving just down the road. Our change consists of moving out of an isolated, 70,000 peopled town that moves slowly, to a branch of Denver - Colorado Springs, a much faster metropolis of a half million people. Add to this change a reset button was hit on my work-based knowledge. Air Force knowledge is the same across the world (WAPS-testing-wise), but I am starting over in what I do on a day-to-day basis. Change also comes in the form of finances and ownership of a home. New ground for us. It would have been a bit less of a shock doing it in South Dakota, but we are jumping in with both feet into the deep end. Change for my family here can be good or bad. Right now the future looks good.
Change is also a highlighted subject for me in the area of my worldviews. Although much slower, this change is ongoing but significant in my mind as it involves things I hold dear and things I enjoy studying. My evolution in how I see things also looks good from where I am. This change in worldviews entails a change in my theology and a change in my political views, those two being the most significant, although a change in my philosophical views comes in a close third.
Change has also been on my mind regarding my church. Not my local church but to most readers, OUR church. Here is a little about where I am going with this:
"... If someone can find something in the Book of Mormon, anything that they love or respond to or find dear, I applaud that and say more power to you. That's what I find, too. And that should not in any way discount somebody's liking a passage here or a passage there or the whole idea of the book, but not agreeing to its origin, its divinity. ...
I think you'd be as aware as I am that that we have many people who are members of the church who do not have some burning conviction as to its origins, who have some other feeling about it that is not as committed to foundational statements and the premises of Mormonism. But we're not going to invite somebody out of the church over that any more than we would anything else about degrees of belief or steps of hope or steps of conviction. ... We would say: "This is the way I see it, and this is the faith I have; this is the foundation on which I'm going forward. If I can help you work toward that I'd be glad to, but I don't love you less; I don't distance you more; I don't say you're unacceptable to me as a person or even as a Latter-day Saint if you can't make that step or move to the beat of that drum." ... We really don't want to sound smug. We don't want to seem uncompromising and insensitive.
There are plenty of people who question the historicity of the Book of Mormon, and they are firmly in this church -- firmly, in their mind, in this church -- and the church isn't going to take action against that. [The church] probably will be genuinely disappointed, but there isn't going to be action against that, not until it starts to be advocacy: "Not only do I disbelieve in the authenticity of the Book of Mormon, I want you to disbelieve." At that point, we're going to have a conversation. A little of that is more tolerated than I think a lot of people think it should be. But I think we want to be tolerant any way we can. ... "Patient" maybe is a better word than "tolerant." We want to be patient and charitable to the extent that we can, but there is a degree beyond which we can't go. ..."
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle, PBS Interview, March, 2006
I see the church moving forward and this quote is a good representation of how I see it moving forward. Officially and unofficially, you can see instances in Orthodox Mormonism reaching out and acknowledging liberal, progressive and free-thinking Mormonism. Whereas a decade ago, these unorthodox Mormons were lost sheep, fallen, blasphemous, etc. etc. Who knows what the future holds for each of us or for this fascinating church, but I for one hope for progressive change, however subtle it may be.
The last change on my mind follows in the wake of the previous subject. As of late, I have considered the nature of God. As of late I have held in my mind that man's picture of God hasn't seemed to advance like our understanding of everything else that denotes there is a God, so to speak. In 100 years no one could have imagined our leaps and bounds in understanding: the universe, our environment, technology, and all sciences. Yet I bet, his writings notwithstanding, that Moses had a better understanding of God than we will in mortality. Yes, Moses had some one on one moments with Father, but my point is that progress hasn't seem too substantial in this core of most theologies. Change is one thing that has seemingly been stripped from our Father. Soon after Christianity was born, some pompous know-it-alls went about changing doctrine they thought they saw in the Bible. A stagnant God standing outside of time and space is what they came up with. Where do you get the idea that a perfect God has to have reached the top of every experiential peak? Why can God not cry over his children? Why does God have to know our future, yet keep intact our free-will in some nonsensical paradox?
God's space-time world is linear, I say, for it makes Him a Father again, whereas if he stood outside of time and space (can't even imagine that), then he truly becomes an enigma. Approachable only in death, for He knows and has already answered my prayers in life and I don't want that God. Change therefore becomes an integral part of my God. God therefore changes daily with me. As I grow, He grows. He grew a lot through some experiences His children had.
Change. Are we changing for better? Does it matter how slowly if we are? Does it matter whether other people think it is for the better? I am just glad I have the ability and the free will to be able to change tomorrow. And from there, change some more.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Happiness
I have been thinking a bit again and the results prompted me to share whatever it was I found meaningful. There are as many definitions of the word 'happiness' as there are total number of days multiplied by a lifetime, multiplied by the number of people that will ever live on the earth - in my opinion. My happiness changes with wisdom and experience and circumstance and will always be different than the next person. But what has me thinking is the current worldview that a person deserves happiness, and not only that but a person deserves the 'good life'. What? What does that mean exactly? You get the general idea that people are talking about the right to pursue wealth, riches, the dream job, the dream house, etc. Oh, so this is happiness? Well it got me thinking about a certain man named Job. Whether you consider him to have actually lived or not, he is a prime example of what I want to talk about.
Was Job happy? If you reread the book of Job, I don't think you can get a universal, unified answer to this. Also, no matter how close you are to God, I don't think Job was happy in many ways after experiencing the death of all his children and the lost support of his wife and friends. Did he deserve this pursuit of monetary gain? Well, God did bless him before this experience where he was made an example. So was it worth it? God replaced everything Job lost except his children, right? What does this mean? I don't know, really. I just don't think the current worldview of the right we have to pursue what doesn't last is the right one, yet everyone buys into it. Where does it say I have the right to wealth, riches, big things and expensive things? Who am I anyway? Why do we think that the 'pursuit of happiness' declared so long ago translates to the pursuit of these things? I am just as guilty as the next guy.
Sitting in a room with not much to do over this long weekend, away from my wife and children for nearly two months now has me thinking this way. I get the privilege of spending time away from the people I care for most, sharing this privilege with countless servicemen now and before me. I have been lucky regarding this though. Many go for longer periods and more frequently. Many don't come back. I bet if you ask one that does a lot of time away from their spouse and children, you will find many similar answers to their definition of 'happiness'. Memories and pictures in my mind of my children and my wife's smile are what brings a smile to both my face and heart.
I think there is a confusion also with the origin of a certain nature we have. Especially after we bear children, we as parents want to protect and provide for our offspring. But if you admit to yourselves that this is a product of our 'natural man' spoken of in scripture, would you tweak your perspective? Are we not mere guardians for the spirit that inhabits that clay that we hold in our arms? Job had plenty of monetary ability to protect and provide for those children but did it do him any good?
In the end, I think we all compromise with our natural man. We choose a job that will take us away from our family, but for a reasonable amount of time where we are able to 'bring home the bacon'. This of course is the way the system works and we can't do much about it. Often, but not always, our job choices and our time spent there reflects the value we place in certain definitions of the word happiness. I wish my job reflected more of my definition, yet I don't regret my job choice. I often reflect on 'time lost' where I am not experiencing the aging of my family and the life they are living without me. I suppose someone like me needs this every now and again to help me remember what I value most and what happiness really is under everything else that I think is important.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A Little Update, A Little Journaling.
Well, most of you that follow this blog haven't seen too much in months except some pathetic posts by me about something I find interesting. This is okay with me because one beautiful thing about free online blogging is that there are few rules, especially about what is expected. Anyway, enough griping from me. I am writing this at 4 a.m. on a Sunday from my lodging room on VAFB, an hour before Sarah wants to get up, pack the kids in the 'burb, and drive to Olympia, WA to see her sister and their brand new addition. Sarah is taking her mom along and Shauna is flying out there next week. Sarah will spend two weeks in Washington after spending a few days with my family at a cabin, after spending a few days in Colorado Springs with Tiffany and Ruby W. as she looked at the area we are moving to, met our realtor and looked at a few houses (of which were all cut from our potential buy list...we are back to square one...I'm not too optimistic right now...).
I have another month until I graduate, then I pick up the family in Utah and head to South Dakota for only as long as it takes to out-process, then we move to Colorado Springs and into my new job in Space Command. I am really happy about the job I picked as I am learning all about AFSPC and our mission. I am really happy about moving to CO, and I am really happy about leaving SD. I am really happy about the idea of buying a house, I am really happy about seeing my family again, really happy about the short tech. school, really happy about not deploying in July like I was slated to, and really happy about the SRB I am projected to get.
As for updates from me, there isn't much. I was biking a lot when I was on dayshift, but for some reason, swing shift is really killing me. I really think my test performance is being affected, I ride much much less, and overall my productivity has been reduced to going to class - that's it.
A few thoughts though are running through my head on this early sunday morn. I didn't realized until now how much our moral and religious views show through our political uniforms we put on. I am not good at telling you what is on others' shirts through their political-see-through labels, but I have come to realize how much our religious views are implicated in the political world. One thought in particular has caught up with me. Independence as individuals is important to a lot of people. When we give, we think it is important that the people we are giving to eventually learn how to self-preserve and self-sustain. This leads to a less generous offering, leads to the shutting down of welfare programs and leads to an overall idea of less giving, more talking.
It reminds me of a question that most people get wrong. If you know that a homeless person is going to use any money that can get to buy booze, but you don't have anything but cash on you and no time, do you give them cash? Of course this is meant to be answered within, but it is a reflection of how we think as a society. Just because teaching a man how to fish is better than giving a man a fish does not make it right to not give a man a fish for a higher ideology that never comes. Or, it does not make it right even if we teach men to fish, there will still be man in need of fish, and there will always be extra fish in his neighbor's freezer, always. How on earth have we lost the meaning of our Savior's teachings? How have we allowed ourselves to vote for people that lose sight of this?
I admit, it is hard to see programs abused by the lazy, the ignorant and the selfish. But what is required of us? What is the higher path? What is it about these people that make all others want to change the system or revoke welfare? I guaran-frickin-tee that the have's in general do not care one lick about the have-nots, especially in the politically world. In the end, I am just as guilty as the next guy. I worry about the pennies I am pushing around month to month. I worry about my two-car household, about being able to buy a proper gift for my wife so many times a year. I don't give enough of my time or sustenance to those in need. I think every level of clarity we receive like the one I am writing about makes us even more guilty when we don't act upon it.
Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy...key word being might. Is joy relative? Is there true joy ever in this world when you stress your whole life about caring for your family to the point where you are unhappy about almost everything? I knew a guy once like that, very giving...service, the action of charity is where we find true happiness, right? Well I don't think it can last very long without perfect faith. As members of the church there is an elephant in the room when it comes to the economy. We never talk about it, but it requires perfect faith and frankly I don't think three-quarters of the members could live it.
I'm rambling now. a bunch of thoughts that I have allowed to be swimming around in my head for too long without getting them out. Hopefully this will give the rest of them room so I can sleep a little better. I final thought that I am relearning: All we have in this life is each other. Make the most out of the relationships you have, make them real. Give of yourself, no matter what you think you have or don't have to offer, make it genuine. I am not gonna say you only live once because I don't know that, but I will say that you won't know if you come back, so make it count. Try and have fun in this life. No matter how miserable you think your life is, somebody usually has it worse off than you. You are a child of God. Whether your definition of God encompasses an entirely different set of parameters than my definition, you are Its creation with a purpose. Crap! I sound like my mom! I give Andy a hard time when he does that! I need to go do something bad now...
I have another month until I graduate, then I pick up the family in Utah and head to South Dakota for only as long as it takes to out-process, then we move to Colorado Springs and into my new job in Space Command. I am really happy about the job I picked as I am learning all about AFSPC and our mission. I am really happy about moving to CO, and I am really happy about leaving SD. I am really happy about the idea of buying a house, I am really happy about seeing my family again, really happy about the short tech. school, really happy about not deploying in July like I was slated to, and really happy about the SRB I am projected to get.
As for updates from me, there isn't much. I was biking a lot when I was on dayshift, but for some reason, swing shift is really killing me. I really think my test performance is being affected, I ride much much less, and overall my productivity has been reduced to going to class - that's it.
A few thoughts though are running through my head on this early sunday morn. I didn't realized until now how much our moral and religious views show through our political uniforms we put on. I am not good at telling you what is on others' shirts through their political-see-through labels, but I have come to realize how much our religious views are implicated in the political world. One thought in particular has caught up with me. Independence as individuals is important to a lot of people. When we give, we think it is important that the people we are giving to eventually learn how to self-preserve and self-sustain. This leads to a less generous offering, leads to the shutting down of welfare programs and leads to an overall idea of less giving, more talking.
It reminds me of a question that most people get wrong. If you know that a homeless person is going to use any money that can get to buy booze, but you don't have anything but cash on you and no time, do you give them cash? Of course this is meant to be answered within, but it is a reflection of how we think as a society. Just because teaching a man how to fish is better than giving a man a fish does not make it right to not give a man a fish for a higher ideology that never comes. Or, it does not make it right even if we teach men to fish, there will still be man in need of fish, and there will always be extra fish in his neighbor's freezer, always. How on earth have we lost the meaning of our Savior's teachings? How have we allowed ourselves to vote for people that lose sight of this?
I admit, it is hard to see programs abused by the lazy, the ignorant and the selfish. But what is required of us? What is the higher path? What is it about these people that make all others want to change the system or revoke welfare? I guaran-frickin-tee that the have's in general do not care one lick about the have-nots, especially in the politically world. In the end, I am just as guilty as the next guy. I worry about the pennies I am pushing around month to month. I worry about my two-car household, about being able to buy a proper gift for my wife so many times a year. I don't give enough of my time or sustenance to those in need. I think every level of clarity we receive like the one I am writing about makes us even more guilty when we don't act upon it.
Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy...key word being might. Is joy relative? Is there true joy ever in this world when you stress your whole life about caring for your family to the point where you are unhappy about almost everything? I knew a guy once like that, very giving...service, the action of charity is where we find true happiness, right? Well I don't think it can last very long without perfect faith. As members of the church there is an elephant in the room when it comes to the economy. We never talk about it, but it requires perfect faith and frankly I don't think three-quarters of the members could live it.
I'm rambling now. a bunch of thoughts that I have allowed to be swimming around in my head for too long without getting them out. Hopefully this will give the rest of them room so I can sleep a little better. I final thought that I am relearning: All we have in this life is each other. Make the most out of the relationships you have, make them real. Give of yourself, no matter what you think you have or don't have to offer, make it genuine. I am not gonna say you only live once because I don't know that, but I will say that you won't know if you come back, so make it count. Try and have fun in this life. No matter how miserable you think your life is, somebody usually has it worse off than you. You are a child of God. Whether your definition of God encompasses an entirely different set of parameters than my definition, you are Its creation with a purpose. Crap! I sound like my mom! I give Andy a hard time when he does that! I need to go do something bad now...
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dreams are Making me CRAZY
So I have been dreaming quite a bit about my dad these last few months. I am not sure all the dynamics that play into it but I am sure they number more than just a few. Anyway, My dreams started out simple and I interpreted them simply. I dreamt of being with my dad somehow and I interpreted that as I missed him. Well last night marked another night where the dreams added another dimension of complexity. They have gotten gradually more complex, being fed by my subconscious that only shrinks have access to, but something about last night leads me to write about it.
The dream itself wasn't innately weird, yet two thoughts that dominated my dream were what flagged me as being abnormal. The first thought was doubt that my dad was dead. A bit of background first. One complexity before last night was the realization I had inside my dreams that I was going back in time to see my dad since my subconscious figured out that he was dead already, so it solved it by going back in time. Well one thing led to another and now my subconscious has doubts as to the reality of my dad's death.
The other thought that troubled me was the fact that everyone else inside this 'back to the future' dream seemed to have this future knowledge of dad's death. It's almost like my subconscious announced to my whole brain that we are all going back to the past so we can spend more time with dad, just so everyone is on the same page.
In the dream we were all having a good time playing in the treehouse. As siblings, we were all relearning our old tricks and racing each other to the top. Well the top platform, in the dream, was well within arms reach of the top of the cement fence dad built on the north side of the driveway. I accidentally hit a cinderblock with my hand and it gave in to my hand worse than sheet rock. I got Andy's and Bryan's attention and we investigated further. We soon found that the edges - where all the cinderblocks met and were sealed together - were still pretty solid, but the significant centers of every one was hollowed, with padding inside, then concealed with a small layer of cinder. After awhile we found ourselves on the ground investigating the same fence. Mom was now involved and she went to get dad. Dad looked on the ground then started talking about the guy he bought them from. He started into the tree to investigate the top of the fence. This time my dream produced no familiarity to my treehouse of my childhood. This time everything was new and wonderful. I had a hard time following my dad as there were numerous children playing all over the tree, so I found an alternate route. As I was now alone in my dream, thoughts took over with profound vividness. I noticed bugs in the big branch I was climbing into. I thought about the question of the reality of my dad's death and how it was sometime in the near future. I thought about how he was going to leave my mom with this huge burden of redoing the fence and having to pay for it.
What else was weird was that my subconscious seemingly went back to the past but within a year of dad's death. Yet in the dream, my dad acted as if he was in his forty's, climbing the tree like a young man and carrying himself like nothing had every happened to his physical body. (All my dreams had my dad physically sound). So it may or may not help to be visiting Utah once again....the first time since my dad's funeral in November. I won't be staying long, so it may not effect my subconscious like I hope. For now, we will hope my subconscious doesn't conjure up any more compensations to impose on my whole brain, for I just may be on an unpleasant road and will have to induce a coma on my subconscious.
The dream itself wasn't innately weird, yet two thoughts that dominated my dream were what flagged me as being abnormal. The first thought was doubt that my dad was dead. A bit of background first. One complexity before last night was the realization I had inside my dreams that I was going back in time to see my dad since my subconscious figured out that he was dead already, so it solved it by going back in time. Well one thing led to another and now my subconscious has doubts as to the reality of my dad's death.
The other thought that troubled me was the fact that everyone else inside this 'back to the future' dream seemed to have this future knowledge of dad's death. It's almost like my subconscious announced to my whole brain that we are all going back to the past so we can spend more time with dad, just so everyone is on the same page.
In the dream we were all having a good time playing in the treehouse. As siblings, we were all relearning our old tricks and racing each other to the top. Well the top platform, in the dream, was well within arms reach of the top of the cement fence dad built on the north side of the driveway. I accidentally hit a cinderblock with my hand and it gave in to my hand worse than sheet rock. I got Andy's and Bryan's attention and we investigated further. We soon found that the edges - where all the cinderblocks met and were sealed together - were still pretty solid, but the significant centers of every one was hollowed, with padding inside, then concealed with a small layer of cinder. After awhile we found ourselves on the ground investigating the same fence. Mom was now involved and she went to get dad. Dad looked on the ground then started talking about the guy he bought them from. He started into the tree to investigate the top of the fence. This time my dream produced no familiarity to my treehouse of my childhood. This time everything was new and wonderful. I had a hard time following my dad as there were numerous children playing all over the tree, so I found an alternate route. As I was now alone in my dream, thoughts took over with profound vividness. I noticed bugs in the big branch I was climbing into. I thought about the question of the reality of my dad's death and how it was sometime in the near future. I thought about how he was going to leave my mom with this huge burden of redoing the fence and having to pay for it.
What else was weird was that my subconscious seemingly went back to the past but within a year of dad's death. Yet in the dream, my dad acted as if he was in his forty's, climbing the tree like a young man and carrying himself like nothing had every happened to his physical body. (All my dreams had my dad physically sound). So it may or may not help to be visiting Utah once again....the first time since my dad's funeral in November. I won't be staying long, so it may not effect my subconscious like I hope. For now, we will hope my subconscious doesn't conjure up any more compensations to impose on my whole brain, for I just may be on an unpleasant road and will have to induce a coma on my subconscious.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
U2Pt.3
So for go number two and a half dozen, I am finding a lot of retro sounds in the album. It seems they have gone pre-Joshua tree with a lot of their tendencies in voice and instrument. As they move forward and integrate these sounds soundly, I must admit it is quite successful. I read somewhere online that Brian Eno and that other guy were heavily involved in this album. Either way, it seems that this album will find its rightful home in every U2 fan's collection. My rating after roughly two full days of listening: 8/10, up from probably a 5 or 6 the first time I listened to it. As it ranks against the other U2 albums, I dare say it now ranks in that top 7 at least.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
U2Pt.2
So I continued listening all day......well a lot today anyway, since I had to sleep. My prediction was right, it grew on me. It grew on me fast apparently since it has only been one day. I also admit that it hasn't gained my full affection, but I am seeing the talent behind each song and not just another song to satisfy the current social needs. It seems like a good direction that U2 is taking, gaining new ground, expanding their horizons, while still keeping a very distinct U2 sound and keeping a very distinct U2 style. Although far from my favorite, "No Line on the Horizon" is growing on me. Check out the three songs released already: "No Line on the Horizon" (not on playlist), "Get On Your Boots", and "Unknown Caller".
U2
Just listened to "No Line on the Horizon", the latest and greatest by our beloved U2. My initial reaction was a furrowed brow. They have moved in yet a different direction, although keeping signature 'U2' sounds. I am sure it'll grow more on me as i listen more, but right now it doesn't rank in my top...let's say 7 favorite U2 albums. More to come.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Happy Birthday Orson
So tomorrow marks three years since our second born came into the world. He is the only one born in South Dakota, and he brought everyone out here in April when he was blessed. This has nothing to do with the pictures, I just thought I would post some pics of Sarah's cake-making skills. She let Orson look through her cake cookbook and pick one out. He picked the spider.
!
I think I go through cars faster than a three year old goes through clothes. Anyway, we got a new truck! A 1996 chevy suburban to be exact. Same body style as Andy's Tahoe. I started looking a couple weeks ago, test drove a few, then decided on this one. We haven't sold the ody yet, but that mission will step into high gear now. Once that happens, we will be well on our way to eliminating all our debt! Yay for us.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I have to thank Tiffany, my sister-in-law for showing me that blogging can be just blogging. I am always trying to put meaning and depth to every post. This one is no different, I just wanted to point out that I notice what I think to be a suppressant to my writing in one way.
You ever get sick of yourself? Where you don't feel much self-worth and you are sick and tired of the life you live? You ever get so sick of it that even inspirational messages, books, scripture are obnoxious, because you have been down that road before and you are in the same exact place when you began? I am so tired of my life that I don't know what to think anymore. Laziness has overcome me so well that I don't even know how to try, what to try or anything. Sometimes, I don't even know if I know myself very well. I try and tell myself that I am one kind of person, disgusted with others' habits or the way they carry themselves or the conversations they hold at work, yet I judge them thinking my life is somehow better when it isn't. At least they pursue something they enjoy and know a bit about themselves to know what they like in life. Even though they pursue the 'natural man' they still live. I, on the other hand do not identify with much. I don't pursue anything very well and I don't identify with anything or anyone. I am tired. I am tired of listening to my mind. I am tired of what I do to myself in more ways than one. There are things right in front of my nose that needs to be enjoyed and I don't really really see them. I know where to find true meaning, life's happiness, and a better relationship with my Maker, yet I don't pursue them. Why? What is it about me that is so inherently corrupt? Why can't I struggle to do what I am supposed to do instead of give up and sit down? This was part of me from the beginning. Nothing recent has much affected these thoughts. I am who I am and I don't even know what that means to me. What a place to put these kinds of thoughts, ay?
You ever get sick of yourself? Where you don't feel much self-worth and you are sick and tired of the life you live? You ever get so sick of it that even inspirational messages, books, scripture are obnoxious, because you have been down that road before and you are in the same exact place when you began? I am so tired of my life that I don't know what to think anymore. Laziness has overcome me so well that I don't even know how to try, what to try or anything. Sometimes, I don't even know if I know myself very well. I try and tell myself that I am one kind of person, disgusted with others' habits or the way they carry themselves or the conversations they hold at work, yet I judge them thinking my life is somehow better when it isn't. At least they pursue something they enjoy and know a bit about themselves to know what they like in life. Even though they pursue the 'natural man' they still live. I, on the other hand do not identify with much. I don't pursue anything very well and I don't identify with anything or anyone. I am tired. I am tired of listening to my mind. I am tired of what I do to myself in more ways than one. There are things right in front of my nose that needs to be enjoyed and I don't really really see them. I know where to find true meaning, life's happiness, and a better relationship with my Maker, yet I don't pursue them. Why? What is it about me that is so inherently corrupt? Why can't I struggle to do what I am supposed to do instead of give up and sit down? This was part of me from the beginning. Nothing recent has much affected these thoughts. I am who I am and I don't even know what that means to me. What a place to put these kinds of thoughts, ay?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Eh
I wonder if the 'grieving process' is something that can be considered an over-generalization. I don't know much about it, but it doesn't seem to cover everyone and here is why I think so. Living outside of the bubble that a death affects, you don't experience it the same way. It is like that bubble protects you in some ironic way, as you are outside it rather than inside. Some like to push the 'grieving process' on those that are supposedly going through it. 'Everything you are feeling is natural, don't fight it, it is okay to cry, scream, feel angry, etc' they say. You would think those that have read up on it or are trained in it would, by the year 2009, have considered the different proximities to tragedy. It affects us all in a different way and the grieving process doesn't seem to be setup for that consideration. It is interesting that within the space-time coordinates, proximity is a factor in a relationship. Who knew? All I have wanted to do in the last two months is be nostalgic, sentimental and less cynical. I am still the same otherwise. Anyway, I haven't posted in a few days and I just wanted to transfer some of the mess in my head into a digital mess on a computer screen.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
More from dad.
Embarrassing as it is, I stumbled upon more of dad's writing in the wedding journal given to Sarah and I over six years ago that we basically have never written in as a couple. It is more or less advice for our new journey. Again, I will attempt to transcribe it as close as possible to what he wrote.
1 25 May 02
Dear Daughter and Son,
No one ever gets out of this world alive.
Resolve therefore, in the years to come, to
maintain a sense of values.
Take care of yourselves. Good health is
everyone's major source of wealth. Without
it, happiness is almost impossible.
Resolve to be cheerful and helpful. People
will repay you in kind.
Avoid angry, abrasive persons. They are
generally vengeful.
Avoid Zealots. They are generally humorless.
Resolve to listen more and to talk less. No
one ever learns anything by talking.
Be wary of giving advice. Wise men don't
need it, and fools won't heed it.
Resolve to be tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic
with the striving, and tolerant of the weak
and the wrong.
2 25 May 02
Sometime in life you will have been all
of these.
Do not equate money with success.
There are many successful money-makers
who are miserable failures as human
beings. What counts most about success
is how you achieve it.
Resolve to love next year someone you
didn't love this year. Love is the most
enriching ingredient of life.
Be not neglectful to entertain strangers, for
thereby some have entertained angels
unaware.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be
in silence. As far as possible, without
surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and
listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
They too have something to say.
3 25 May 02
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are
vexations to the spirit. If you compare
yourselves with others, you may become vain
and bitter; for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourselves. Enjoy
your achievements as well as your dreams.
All work is honorable, however humble;
you positive sense of responsibility toward
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your
business affairs; for the world is full of
trickery. But let this not blind you to
what virtue there is; many persons
strive for high ideals, and everywhere
life is full of heroism.
Be yourselves, especially do not feign
affection. Neither be cynical about love.
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment it is as perennial as the
grass.
4 25 May 02
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully
surrendering the things of youth. Nurture
strength of spirit to shield you in sudden
misfortune. But do not distress yourselves
with imaginings. Many fears are born of
fatigue and discouragement. Beyond a
wholesome discipline, be gentle with
yourselves. You are children of God's
universe, no less than the flowers and
the stars; it is your spiritual birth-
right to be living at the time, and
whether or not it is clear to you, have
no doubt that the universe is unfolding
as it should. Therefore, be at peace with
your Heavenly Father and cultivate a
strong testimony of the atonement of
our dear Savior. Whatever your labors
and aspirations, in the noisy confusion
of life, keep peace with your souls. With
all its sham, drudgery and broken
5 25 May 02
dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
In conclusion may I counsel you of the
sacrament of marriage. Sexual intimacy is
not only a symbolic union between a man and a
woman - the uniting of your very souls - but
it is also symbolic of a union between mortals
and deity, between otherwise ordinary and
fallible humans uniting for a rare and
special moment with God himself and all the
powers by which He gives life in His
wide universe.
Human intimacy is a sacrament, a very
special kind of symbol. It is an act that
unites you with God and His limitless powers.
You are imperfect and mortal; He is perfect
and immortal. But from time to time, indeed,
as often as is possible and appropriate - you
should find ways and go to places and create
circumstances where you can unite symbolically
with Him and, in so doing, gain access
6 25 May 02
to His power. Those special moments of union
with God are sacramental moments, such at
kneeling at the marriage altar, or blessing a
new-born baby, or partaking of the emblems
of the Lord's supper. These are the moments
when you quite literally unite your will with
God's will, your spirits with His spirit, where
communion through the veil becomes very
real. At such moments you not only
acknowledge his divinity, but you also quite
literally take something of that divinity to
yourselves. Of such are the holy sacraments -
you will never in this life be more like God
than when you are expressing that particular
power. Of all the titles He has chosen for Himself,
Father is the one He declares, and creation
is His watchword - especially human creation,
creation in His image. His glory isn't a
mountain, as stunning as mountains are. It
isn't in sea or sky or snow or sunrise,
7 25 May 02
as beautiful as they all are. It isn't in art or
technology, be that a concerto or computer. No -
His glory - and His grief - is in His children.
We - you and I - are His prized possessions, and
we are the earthly evidence, however inadequate,
of what He truly is. Human life is the greatest
of God's powers, the most mysterious and
magnificent chemestry of it all - and you
have been given it, but under the most serious
and sacred restrictions. You - who can
make neither mountain or moonlight, not one
rain drop or single rose - have this greater
gift in an absolutely unlimited way. And the
only control placed on you is self control -
self control born of respect for the divine
sacramental power it is.
Surely God's trust in you to respect this future
forming gift is an awesomely staggering one.
You who may not be able to repair a bicycle
or assemble an average jigsaw puzzle
8 25 May 02
can yet, in all your weaknesses and imperfections,
carry this procreative power which makes you
so very much like God in at least that one grand
and majestic way. Nothing so earth-shatteringly
powerful is given to you to create a human body, that
of wonder of all wonders, a genetically and spiritually
unique being never before seen in the history of the
world and never to be duplicated again in all the
ages of eternity: a child - your child -
with eyes and ears and fingers and toes
and a future of unspeakable grandeur.
Imagine carrying daily, hourly, minute to minute,
virtually every waking and sleeping moment of your
lives, the power and the chemestry and the
eternally transmitted seeds of life to grant
someone else his or her second estate. James
Talmage gives this caution: "It has been
declared in the solemn word of revelation, that
the spirit and the body constitute the soul of
man; and, therefore we should look upon
9 25 May 02
this body as something that shall endure in the
resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be
kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its
hands; be not afraid of scars that may come
to it if won in earnest effort or won in
honest fight. But beware of scars that
disfigure, that have come to you in places
where you ought not have gone, that have
befallen you in unworthy undertakings;
beware of the wounds of battles in
which you have been fighting on the wrong
side."
Poetry to ponder:
We came not in with proud firm martialed
footsteps in a measured tread
Slow pacing to the crash of music loud.
No gorgeous trophies went before -
No crowd of captive's followed us with
drooping head -
No wreath of laurel sceptured us nor
10 25 May 02
crowned, nor with its leaf our glittering lances
bound.
This looks not like a triumph, then they
said - with faces darkened from their
early pride.
Through wind and sun and showers of
bleaching rain, yet red in all our garments
deeply dyed.
With many a wound upon us - many
a stain, we came with steps
that faltered, yet we came.
-0-
If thou of fortune be bereft
And in they store there be but left
### #### ##* two loaves;
Sell one, and with the dole
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.
*(I forgot the poem for a moment)
11 25 May 02
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and,
If God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
the --0--
I wish you^ choisest blessings of eternity
/
/ Love, Dad Skelton
Brain get
tired, never mind my writing fingers
It is interesting to read the poetry from him. I cannot tell if certain things are from memory or if they are transcribed incorrectly. Either way, his imperfections make him who he is, and it is the spirit behind the words that matter most. Some of these things I really hesitated to put out here on a public website, thinking I may be casting pearls before swine. Not that I am directing that comment to anyone specifically, it's just the nature of the beast.
1 25 May 02
Dear Daughter and Son,
No one ever gets out of this world alive.
Resolve therefore, in the years to come, to
maintain a sense of values.
Take care of yourselves. Good health is
everyone's major source of wealth. Without
it, happiness is almost impossible.
Resolve to be cheerful and helpful. People
will repay you in kind.
Avoid angry, abrasive persons. They are
generally vengeful.
Avoid Zealots. They are generally humorless.
Resolve to listen more and to talk less. No
one ever learns anything by talking.
Be wary of giving advice. Wise men don't
need it, and fools won't heed it.
Resolve to be tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic
with the striving, and tolerant of the weak
and the wrong.
2 25 May 02
Sometime in life you will have been all
of these.
Do not equate money with success.
There are many successful money-makers
who are miserable failures as human
beings. What counts most about success
is how you achieve it.
Resolve to love next year someone you
didn't love this year. Love is the most
enriching ingredient of life.
Be not neglectful to entertain strangers, for
thereby some have entertained angels
unaware.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be
in silence. As far as possible, without
surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and
listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
They too have something to say.
3 25 May 02
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are
vexations to the spirit. If you compare
yourselves with others, you may become vain
and bitter; for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourselves. Enjoy
your achievements as well as your dreams.
All work is honorable, however humble;
you positive sense of responsibility toward
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your
business affairs; for the world is full of
trickery. But let this not blind you to
what virtue there is; many persons
strive for high ideals, and everywhere
life is full of heroism.
Be yourselves, especially do not feign
affection. Neither be cynical about love.
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment it is as perennial as the
grass.
4 25 May 02
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully
surrendering the things of youth. Nurture
strength of spirit to shield you in sudden
misfortune. But do not distress yourselves
with imaginings. Many fears are born of
fatigue and discouragement. Beyond a
wholesome discipline, be gentle with
yourselves. You are children of God's
universe, no less than the flowers and
the stars; it is your spiritual birth-
right to be living at the time, and
whether or not it is clear to you, have
no doubt that the universe is unfolding
as it should. Therefore, be at peace with
your Heavenly Father and cultivate a
strong testimony of the atonement of
our dear Savior. Whatever your labors
and aspirations, in the noisy confusion
of life, keep peace with your souls. With
all its sham, drudgery and broken
5 25 May 02
dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
In conclusion may I counsel you of the
sacrament of marriage. Sexual intimacy is
not only a symbolic union between a man and a
woman - the uniting of your very souls - but
it is also symbolic of a union between mortals
and deity, between otherwise ordinary and
fallible humans uniting for a rare and
special moment with God himself and all the
powers by which He gives life in His
wide universe.
Human intimacy is a sacrament, a very
special kind of symbol. It is an act that
unites you with God and His limitless powers.
You are imperfect and mortal; He is perfect
and immortal. But from time to time, indeed,
as often as is possible and appropriate - you
should find ways and go to places and create
circumstances where you can unite symbolically
with Him and, in so doing, gain access
6 25 May 02
to His power. Those special moments of union
with God are sacramental moments, such at
kneeling at the marriage altar, or blessing a
new-born baby, or partaking of the emblems
of the Lord's supper. These are the moments
when you quite literally unite your will with
God's will, your spirits with His spirit, where
communion through the veil becomes very
real. At such moments you not only
acknowledge his divinity, but you also quite
literally take something of that divinity to
yourselves. Of such are the holy sacraments -
you will never in this life be more like God
than when you are expressing that particular
power. Of all the titles He has chosen for Himself,
Father is the one He declares, and creation
is His watchword - especially human creation,
creation in His image. His glory isn't a
mountain, as stunning as mountains are. It
isn't in sea or sky or snow or sunrise,
7 25 May 02
as beautiful as they all are. It isn't in art or
technology, be that a concerto or computer. No -
His glory - and His grief - is in His children.
We - you and I - are His prized possessions, and
we are the earthly evidence, however inadequate,
of what He truly is. Human life is the greatest
of God's powers, the most mysterious and
magnificent chemestry of it all - and you
have been given it, but under the most serious
and sacred restrictions. You - who can
make neither mountain or moonlight, not one
rain drop or single rose - have this greater
gift in an absolutely unlimited way. And the
only control placed on you is self control -
self control born of respect for the divine
sacramental power it is.
Surely God's trust in you to respect this future
forming gift is an awesomely staggering one.
You who may not be able to repair a bicycle
or assemble an average jigsaw puzzle
8 25 May 02
can yet, in all your weaknesses and imperfections,
carry this procreative power which makes you
so very much like God in at least that one grand
and majestic way. Nothing so earth-shatteringly
powerful is given to you to create a human body, that
of wonder of all wonders, a genetically and spiritually
unique being never before seen in the history of the
world and never to be duplicated again in all the
ages of eternity: a child - your child -
with eyes and ears and fingers and toes
and a future of unspeakable grandeur.
Imagine carrying daily, hourly, minute to minute,
virtually every waking and sleeping moment of your
lives, the power and the chemestry and the
eternally transmitted seeds of life to grant
someone else his or her second estate. James
Talmage gives this caution: "It has been
declared in the solemn word of revelation, that
the spirit and the body constitute the soul of
man; and, therefore we should look upon
9 25 May 02
this body as something that shall endure in the
resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be
kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its
hands; be not afraid of scars that may come
to it if won in earnest effort or won in
honest fight. But beware of scars that
disfigure, that have come to you in places
where you ought not have gone, that have
befallen you in unworthy undertakings;
beware of the wounds of battles in
which you have been fighting on the wrong
side."
Poetry to ponder:
We came not in with proud firm martialed
footsteps in a measured tread
Slow pacing to the crash of music loud.
No gorgeous trophies went before -
No crowd of captive's followed us with
drooping head -
No wreath of laurel sceptured us nor
10 25 May 02
crowned, nor with its leaf our glittering lances
bound.
This looks not like a triumph, then they
said - with faces darkened from their
early pride.
Through wind and sun and showers of
bleaching rain, yet red in all our garments
deeply dyed.
With many a wound upon us - many
a stain, we came with steps
that faltered, yet we came.
-0-
If thou of fortune be bereft
And in they store there be but left
### #### ##* two loaves;
Sell one, and with the dole
Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.
*(I forgot the poem for a moment)
11 25 May 02
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and,
If God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
the --0--
I wish you^ choisest blessings of eternity
/
/ Love, Dad Skelton
Brain get
tired, never mind my writing fingers
It is interesting to read the poetry from him. I cannot tell if certain things are from memory or if they are transcribed incorrectly. Either way, his imperfections make him who he is, and it is the spirit behind the words that matter most. Some of these things I really hesitated to put out here on a public website, thinking I may be casting pearls before swine. Not that I am directing that comment to anyone specifically, it's just the nature of the beast.
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