I often wish I could express myself as well as Bryan, my brother. I also wish I could research quickly. My version of a school paper consists of 'D' work at best and I get rewarded for it with a high 'B' or 'A'. I thus never use any real skills of researching for a paper, which I am sure will come in handy someday. I have also been able to epitomize laziness not only at school but in and through my physical lifestyle. I have only slowly begun to gain a spare tire around the middle. The problem, or rather the solution, is the requirement by the Air Force to test my fitness to a standard I find I don't tolerate doing mediocre at. When I say this, though, I am able to prepare for said test with ten days of preparation which will bear the fruits of an acceptable score equivalent to that of an 'A'. I am therefore grateful for the fitness test in which I am forced to step up my game, maybe not to full capacity, but at least pretend I live for a couple weeks.
My point is twofold. Of course I am egotistical and am proud of this ability, but for the second point, I am realizing that it is, or has become, a weakness. I can't blame any one instance for this way, yet I see positive reinforcements in my life from very young to quite recent. In one way I wish for a different life, wondering what it would be like to work hard for a desired grade, or to work hard for a certain figure, or to work hard at all. Okay, so I have worked hard in my life. There are some things I struggle at and I tried hard to succeed at them. I find that I eventually quit these things and move on. I envy others in a way.
On another note, if you think you want a Top Secret Clearance for whatever reason, now is the time to get it. Apparently, everyone and their dogs can get cleared except for me. Ellsworth fudged my investigation from the beginning, and it hasn't seemed to recover. I just may end up being worthless in Space indefinitely!
Note number three: Home owning doesn't get old for me. I love it love it love it. There are things about living on base that got under my skin and drove me crazy, and there are things about owning a home that makes one feel like they aren't flushing their money down the toilet. We will see when it is time to get a return on this investment, but for now, I just enjoy owning a home and doing with it what I will. It scares me on occasion, for I know very few handy man skills, but those occasions are small and insignificant.
#4: Why am I the way I am? Separate from the first section of this post, I find very few who have certain subjects on their mind nearly every waking free moment they can spare. It actually grows tiresome. It is interesting that one can grow weary of what interests them most. I suppose it is like anything in your diet that is very fine or exquisite: too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Yet I don't seem to be in control. Thoughts often plague my mind to the point where I can't sleep or think of anything else. Journal writing is my only escape for people (ALL people) think I am crazy and want me to suppress the wild ideas running amok in my head.
'Twas a self pity post tonight. I suppose I am finished.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friday, August 7, 2009
Change
Change is the subject on my mind lately for multiple reasons. We'll start slow.
Obviously I am going through a relocation with my family. This change is big, even though we are moving just down the road. Our change consists of moving out of an isolated, 70,000 peopled town that moves slowly, to a branch of Denver - Colorado Springs, a much faster metropolis of a half million people. Add to this change a reset button was hit on my work-based knowledge. Air Force knowledge is the same across the world (WAPS-testing-wise), but I am starting over in what I do on a day-to-day basis. Change also comes in the form of finances and ownership of a home. New ground for us. It would have been a bit less of a shock doing it in South Dakota, but we are jumping in with both feet into the deep end. Change for my family here can be good or bad. Right now the future looks good.
Change is also a highlighted subject for me in the area of my worldviews. Although much slower, this change is ongoing but significant in my mind as it involves things I hold dear and things I enjoy studying. My evolution in how I see things also looks good from where I am. This change in worldviews entails a change in my theology and a change in my political views, those two being the most significant, although a change in my philosophical views comes in a close third.
Change has also been on my mind regarding my church. Not my local church but to most readers, OUR church. Here is a little about where I am going with this:
"... If someone can find something in the Book of Mormon, anything that they love or respond to or find dear, I applaud that and say more power to you. That's what I find, too. And that should not in any way discount somebody's liking a passage here or a passage there or the whole idea of the book, but not agreeing to its origin, its divinity. ...
I think you'd be as aware as I am that that we have many people who are members of the church who do not have some burning conviction as to its origins, who have some other feeling about it that is not as committed to foundational statements and the premises of Mormonism. But we're not going to invite somebody out of the church over that any more than we would anything else about degrees of belief or steps of hope or steps of conviction. ... We would say: "This is the way I see it, and this is the faith I have; this is the foundation on which I'm going forward. If I can help you work toward that I'd be glad to, but I don't love you less; I don't distance you more; I don't say you're unacceptable to me as a person or even as a Latter-day Saint if you can't make that step or move to the beat of that drum." ... We really don't want to sound smug. We don't want to seem uncompromising and insensitive.
There are plenty of people who question the historicity of the Book of Mormon, and they are firmly in this church -- firmly, in their mind, in this church -- and the church isn't going to take action against that. [The church] probably will be genuinely disappointed, but there isn't going to be action against that, not until it starts to be advocacy: "Not only do I disbelieve in the authenticity of the Book of Mormon, I want you to disbelieve." At that point, we're going to have a conversation. A little of that is more tolerated than I think a lot of people think it should be. But I think we want to be tolerant any way we can. ... "Patient" maybe is a better word than "tolerant." We want to be patient and charitable to the extent that we can, but there is a degree beyond which we can't go. ..."
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle, PBS Interview, March, 2006
I see the church moving forward and this quote is a good representation of how I see it moving forward. Officially and unofficially, you can see instances in Orthodox Mormonism reaching out and acknowledging liberal, progressive and free-thinking Mormonism. Whereas a decade ago, these unorthodox Mormons were lost sheep, fallen, blasphemous, etc. etc. Who knows what the future holds for each of us or for this fascinating church, but I for one hope for progressive change, however subtle it may be.
The last change on my mind follows in the wake of the previous subject. As of late, I have considered the nature of God. As of late I have held in my mind that man's picture of God hasn't seemed to advance like our understanding of everything else that denotes there is a God, so to speak. In 100 years no one could have imagined our leaps and bounds in understanding: the universe, our environment, technology, and all sciences. Yet I bet, his writings notwithstanding, that Moses had a better understanding of God than we will in mortality. Yes, Moses had some one on one moments with Father, but my point is that progress hasn't seem too substantial in this core of most theologies. Change is one thing that has seemingly been stripped from our Father. Soon after Christianity was born, some pompous know-it-alls went about changing doctrine they thought they saw in the Bible. A stagnant God standing outside of time and space is what they came up with. Where do you get the idea that a perfect God has to have reached the top of every experiential peak? Why can God not cry over his children? Why does God have to know our future, yet keep intact our free-will in some nonsensical paradox?
God's space-time world is linear, I say, for it makes Him a Father again, whereas if he stood outside of time and space (can't even imagine that), then he truly becomes an enigma. Approachable only in death, for He knows and has already answered my prayers in life and I don't want that God. Change therefore becomes an integral part of my God. God therefore changes daily with me. As I grow, He grows. He grew a lot through some experiences His children had.
Change. Are we changing for better? Does it matter how slowly if we are? Does it matter whether other people think it is for the better? I am just glad I have the ability and the free will to be able to change tomorrow. And from there, change some more.
Obviously I am going through a relocation with my family. This change is big, even though we are moving just down the road. Our change consists of moving out of an isolated, 70,000 peopled town that moves slowly, to a branch of Denver - Colorado Springs, a much faster metropolis of a half million people. Add to this change a reset button was hit on my work-based knowledge. Air Force knowledge is the same across the world (WAPS-testing-wise), but I am starting over in what I do on a day-to-day basis. Change also comes in the form of finances and ownership of a home. New ground for us. It would have been a bit less of a shock doing it in South Dakota, but we are jumping in with both feet into the deep end. Change for my family here can be good or bad. Right now the future looks good.
Change is also a highlighted subject for me in the area of my worldviews. Although much slower, this change is ongoing but significant in my mind as it involves things I hold dear and things I enjoy studying. My evolution in how I see things also looks good from where I am. This change in worldviews entails a change in my theology and a change in my political views, those two being the most significant, although a change in my philosophical views comes in a close third.
Change has also been on my mind regarding my church. Not my local church but to most readers, OUR church. Here is a little about where I am going with this:
"... If someone can find something in the Book of Mormon, anything that they love or respond to or find dear, I applaud that and say more power to you. That's what I find, too. And that should not in any way discount somebody's liking a passage here or a passage there or the whole idea of the book, but not agreeing to its origin, its divinity. ...
I think you'd be as aware as I am that that we have many people who are members of the church who do not have some burning conviction as to its origins, who have some other feeling about it that is not as committed to foundational statements and the premises of Mormonism. But we're not going to invite somebody out of the church over that any more than we would anything else about degrees of belief or steps of hope or steps of conviction. ... We would say: "This is the way I see it, and this is the faith I have; this is the foundation on which I'm going forward. If I can help you work toward that I'd be glad to, but I don't love you less; I don't distance you more; I don't say you're unacceptable to me as a person or even as a Latter-day Saint if you can't make that step or move to the beat of that drum." ... We really don't want to sound smug. We don't want to seem uncompromising and insensitive.
There are plenty of people who question the historicity of the Book of Mormon, and they are firmly in this church -- firmly, in their mind, in this church -- and the church isn't going to take action against that. [The church] probably will be genuinely disappointed, but there isn't going to be action against that, not until it starts to be advocacy: "Not only do I disbelieve in the authenticity of the Book of Mormon, I want you to disbelieve." At that point, we're going to have a conversation. A little of that is more tolerated than I think a lot of people think it should be. But I think we want to be tolerant any way we can. ... "Patient" maybe is a better word than "tolerant." We want to be patient and charitable to the extent that we can, but there is a degree beyond which we can't go. ..."
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle, PBS Interview, March, 2006
I see the church moving forward and this quote is a good representation of how I see it moving forward. Officially and unofficially, you can see instances in Orthodox Mormonism reaching out and acknowledging liberal, progressive and free-thinking Mormonism. Whereas a decade ago, these unorthodox Mormons were lost sheep, fallen, blasphemous, etc. etc. Who knows what the future holds for each of us or for this fascinating church, but I for one hope for progressive change, however subtle it may be.
The last change on my mind follows in the wake of the previous subject. As of late, I have considered the nature of God. As of late I have held in my mind that man's picture of God hasn't seemed to advance like our understanding of everything else that denotes there is a God, so to speak. In 100 years no one could have imagined our leaps and bounds in understanding: the universe, our environment, technology, and all sciences. Yet I bet, his writings notwithstanding, that Moses had a better understanding of God than we will in mortality. Yes, Moses had some one on one moments with Father, but my point is that progress hasn't seem too substantial in this core of most theologies. Change is one thing that has seemingly been stripped from our Father. Soon after Christianity was born, some pompous know-it-alls went about changing doctrine they thought they saw in the Bible. A stagnant God standing outside of time and space is what they came up with. Where do you get the idea that a perfect God has to have reached the top of every experiential peak? Why can God not cry over his children? Why does God have to know our future, yet keep intact our free-will in some nonsensical paradox?
God's space-time world is linear, I say, for it makes Him a Father again, whereas if he stood outside of time and space (can't even imagine that), then he truly becomes an enigma. Approachable only in death, for He knows and has already answered my prayers in life and I don't want that God. Change therefore becomes an integral part of my God. God therefore changes daily with me. As I grow, He grows. He grew a lot through some experiences His children had.
Change. Are we changing for better? Does it matter how slowly if we are? Does it matter whether other people think it is for the better? I am just glad I have the ability and the free will to be able to change tomorrow. And from there, change some more.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Happiness
I have been thinking a bit again and the results prompted me to share whatever it was I found meaningful. There are as many definitions of the word 'happiness' as there are total number of days multiplied by a lifetime, multiplied by the number of people that will ever live on the earth - in my opinion. My happiness changes with wisdom and experience and circumstance and will always be different than the next person. But what has me thinking is the current worldview that a person deserves happiness, and not only that but a person deserves the 'good life'. What? What does that mean exactly? You get the general idea that people are talking about the right to pursue wealth, riches, the dream job, the dream house, etc. Oh, so this is happiness? Well it got me thinking about a certain man named Job. Whether you consider him to have actually lived or not, he is a prime example of what I want to talk about.
Was Job happy? If you reread the book of Job, I don't think you can get a universal, unified answer to this. Also, no matter how close you are to God, I don't think Job was happy in many ways after experiencing the death of all his children and the lost support of his wife and friends. Did he deserve this pursuit of monetary gain? Well, God did bless him before this experience where he was made an example. So was it worth it? God replaced everything Job lost except his children, right? What does this mean? I don't know, really. I just don't think the current worldview of the right we have to pursue what doesn't last is the right one, yet everyone buys into it. Where does it say I have the right to wealth, riches, big things and expensive things? Who am I anyway? Why do we think that the 'pursuit of happiness' declared so long ago translates to the pursuit of these things? I am just as guilty as the next guy.
Sitting in a room with not much to do over this long weekend, away from my wife and children for nearly two months now has me thinking this way. I get the privilege of spending time away from the people I care for most, sharing this privilege with countless servicemen now and before me. I have been lucky regarding this though. Many go for longer periods and more frequently. Many don't come back. I bet if you ask one that does a lot of time away from their spouse and children, you will find many similar answers to their definition of 'happiness'. Memories and pictures in my mind of my children and my wife's smile are what brings a smile to both my face and heart.
I think there is a confusion also with the origin of a certain nature we have. Especially after we bear children, we as parents want to protect and provide for our offspring. But if you admit to yourselves that this is a product of our 'natural man' spoken of in scripture, would you tweak your perspective? Are we not mere guardians for the spirit that inhabits that clay that we hold in our arms? Job had plenty of monetary ability to protect and provide for those children but did it do him any good?
In the end, I think we all compromise with our natural man. We choose a job that will take us away from our family, but for a reasonable amount of time where we are able to 'bring home the bacon'. This of course is the way the system works and we can't do much about it. Often, but not always, our job choices and our time spent there reflects the value we place in certain definitions of the word happiness. I wish my job reflected more of my definition, yet I don't regret my job choice. I often reflect on 'time lost' where I am not experiencing the aging of my family and the life they are living without me. I suppose someone like me needs this every now and again to help me remember what I value most and what happiness really is under everything else that I think is important.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A Little Update, A Little Journaling.
Well, most of you that follow this blog haven't seen too much in months except some pathetic posts by me about something I find interesting. This is okay with me because one beautiful thing about free online blogging is that there are few rules, especially about what is expected. Anyway, enough griping from me. I am writing this at 4 a.m. on a Sunday from my lodging room on VAFB, an hour before Sarah wants to get up, pack the kids in the 'burb, and drive to Olympia, WA to see her sister and their brand new addition. Sarah is taking her mom along and Shauna is flying out there next week. Sarah will spend two weeks in Washington after spending a few days with my family at a cabin, after spending a few days in Colorado Springs with Tiffany and Ruby W. as she looked at the area we are moving to, met our realtor and looked at a few houses (of which were all cut from our potential buy list...we are back to square one...I'm not too optimistic right now...).
I have another month until I graduate, then I pick up the family in Utah and head to South Dakota for only as long as it takes to out-process, then we move to Colorado Springs and into my new job in Space Command. I am really happy about the job I picked as I am learning all about AFSPC and our mission. I am really happy about moving to CO, and I am really happy about leaving SD. I am really happy about the idea of buying a house, I am really happy about seeing my family again, really happy about the short tech. school, really happy about not deploying in July like I was slated to, and really happy about the SRB I am projected to get.
As for updates from me, there isn't much. I was biking a lot when I was on dayshift, but for some reason, swing shift is really killing me. I really think my test performance is being affected, I ride much much less, and overall my productivity has been reduced to going to class - that's it.
A few thoughts though are running through my head on this early sunday morn. I didn't realized until now how much our moral and religious views show through our political uniforms we put on. I am not good at telling you what is on others' shirts through their political-see-through labels, but I have come to realize how much our religious views are implicated in the political world. One thought in particular has caught up with me. Independence as individuals is important to a lot of people. When we give, we think it is important that the people we are giving to eventually learn how to self-preserve and self-sustain. This leads to a less generous offering, leads to the shutting down of welfare programs and leads to an overall idea of less giving, more talking.
It reminds me of a question that most people get wrong. If you know that a homeless person is going to use any money that can get to buy booze, but you don't have anything but cash on you and no time, do you give them cash? Of course this is meant to be answered within, but it is a reflection of how we think as a society. Just because teaching a man how to fish is better than giving a man a fish does not make it right to not give a man a fish for a higher ideology that never comes. Or, it does not make it right even if we teach men to fish, there will still be man in need of fish, and there will always be extra fish in his neighbor's freezer, always. How on earth have we lost the meaning of our Savior's teachings? How have we allowed ourselves to vote for people that lose sight of this?
I admit, it is hard to see programs abused by the lazy, the ignorant and the selfish. But what is required of us? What is the higher path? What is it about these people that make all others want to change the system or revoke welfare? I guaran-frickin-tee that the have's in general do not care one lick about the have-nots, especially in the politically world. In the end, I am just as guilty as the next guy. I worry about the pennies I am pushing around month to month. I worry about my two-car household, about being able to buy a proper gift for my wife so many times a year. I don't give enough of my time or sustenance to those in need. I think every level of clarity we receive like the one I am writing about makes us even more guilty when we don't act upon it.
Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy...key word being might. Is joy relative? Is there true joy ever in this world when you stress your whole life about caring for your family to the point where you are unhappy about almost everything? I knew a guy once like that, very giving...service, the action of charity is where we find true happiness, right? Well I don't think it can last very long without perfect faith. As members of the church there is an elephant in the room when it comes to the economy. We never talk about it, but it requires perfect faith and frankly I don't think three-quarters of the members could live it.
I'm rambling now. a bunch of thoughts that I have allowed to be swimming around in my head for too long without getting them out. Hopefully this will give the rest of them room so I can sleep a little better. I final thought that I am relearning: All we have in this life is each other. Make the most out of the relationships you have, make them real. Give of yourself, no matter what you think you have or don't have to offer, make it genuine. I am not gonna say you only live once because I don't know that, but I will say that you won't know if you come back, so make it count. Try and have fun in this life. No matter how miserable you think your life is, somebody usually has it worse off than you. You are a child of God. Whether your definition of God encompasses an entirely different set of parameters than my definition, you are Its creation with a purpose. Crap! I sound like my mom! I give Andy a hard time when he does that! I need to go do something bad now...
I have another month until I graduate, then I pick up the family in Utah and head to South Dakota for only as long as it takes to out-process, then we move to Colorado Springs and into my new job in Space Command. I am really happy about the job I picked as I am learning all about AFSPC and our mission. I am really happy about moving to CO, and I am really happy about leaving SD. I am really happy about the idea of buying a house, I am really happy about seeing my family again, really happy about the short tech. school, really happy about not deploying in July like I was slated to, and really happy about the SRB I am projected to get.
As for updates from me, there isn't much. I was biking a lot when I was on dayshift, but for some reason, swing shift is really killing me. I really think my test performance is being affected, I ride much much less, and overall my productivity has been reduced to going to class - that's it.
A few thoughts though are running through my head on this early sunday morn. I didn't realized until now how much our moral and religious views show through our political uniforms we put on. I am not good at telling you what is on others' shirts through their political-see-through labels, but I have come to realize how much our religious views are implicated in the political world. One thought in particular has caught up with me. Independence as individuals is important to a lot of people. When we give, we think it is important that the people we are giving to eventually learn how to self-preserve and self-sustain. This leads to a less generous offering, leads to the shutting down of welfare programs and leads to an overall idea of less giving, more talking.
It reminds me of a question that most people get wrong. If you know that a homeless person is going to use any money that can get to buy booze, but you don't have anything but cash on you and no time, do you give them cash? Of course this is meant to be answered within, but it is a reflection of how we think as a society. Just because teaching a man how to fish is better than giving a man a fish does not make it right to not give a man a fish for a higher ideology that never comes. Or, it does not make it right even if we teach men to fish, there will still be man in need of fish, and there will always be extra fish in his neighbor's freezer, always. How on earth have we lost the meaning of our Savior's teachings? How have we allowed ourselves to vote for people that lose sight of this?
I admit, it is hard to see programs abused by the lazy, the ignorant and the selfish. But what is required of us? What is the higher path? What is it about these people that make all others want to change the system or revoke welfare? I guaran-frickin-tee that the have's in general do not care one lick about the have-nots, especially in the politically world. In the end, I am just as guilty as the next guy. I worry about the pennies I am pushing around month to month. I worry about my two-car household, about being able to buy a proper gift for my wife so many times a year. I don't give enough of my time or sustenance to those in need. I think every level of clarity we receive like the one I am writing about makes us even more guilty when we don't act upon it.
Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy...key word being might. Is joy relative? Is there true joy ever in this world when you stress your whole life about caring for your family to the point where you are unhappy about almost everything? I knew a guy once like that, very giving...service, the action of charity is where we find true happiness, right? Well I don't think it can last very long without perfect faith. As members of the church there is an elephant in the room when it comes to the economy. We never talk about it, but it requires perfect faith and frankly I don't think three-quarters of the members could live it.
I'm rambling now. a bunch of thoughts that I have allowed to be swimming around in my head for too long without getting them out. Hopefully this will give the rest of them room so I can sleep a little better. I final thought that I am relearning: All we have in this life is each other. Make the most out of the relationships you have, make them real. Give of yourself, no matter what you think you have or don't have to offer, make it genuine. I am not gonna say you only live once because I don't know that, but I will say that you won't know if you come back, so make it count. Try and have fun in this life. No matter how miserable you think your life is, somebody usually has it worse off than you. You are a child of God. Whether your definition of God encompasses an entirely different set of parameters than my definition, you are Its creation with a purpose. Crap! I sound like my mom! I give Andy a hard time when he does that! I need to go do something bad now...
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dreams are Making me CRAZY
So I have been dreaming quite a bit about my dad these last few months. I am not sure all the dynamics that play into it but I am sure they number more than just a few. Anyway, My dreams started out simple and I interpreted them simply. I dreamt of being with my dad somehow and I interpreted that as I missed him. Well last night marked another night where the dreams added another dimension of complexity. They have gotten gradually more complex, being fed by my subconscious that only shrinks have access to, but something about last night leads me to write about it.
The dream itself wasn't innately weird, yet two thoughts that dominated my dream were what flagged me as being abnormal. The first thought was doubt that my dad was dead. A bit of background first. One complexity before last night was the realization I had inside my dreams that I was going back in time to see my dad since my subconscious figured out that he was dead already, so it solved it by going back in time. Well one thing led to another and now my subconscious has doubts as to the reality of my dad's death.
The other thought that troubled me was the fact that everyone else inside this 'back to the future' dream seemed to have this future knowledge of dad's death. It's almost like my subconscious announced to my whole brain that we are all going back to the past so we can spend more time with dad, just so everyone is on the same page.
In the dream we were all having a good time playing in the treehouse. As siblings, we were all relearning our old tricks and racing each other to the top. Well the top platform, in the dream, was well within arms reach of the top of the cement fence dad built on the north side of the driveway. I accidentally hit a cinderblock with my hand and it gave in to my hand worse than sheet rock. I got Andy's and Bryan's attention and we investigated further. We soon found that the edges - where all the cinderblocks met and were sealed together - were still pretty solid, but the significant centers of every one was hollowed, with padding inside, then concealed with a small layer of cinder. After awhile we found ourselves on the ground investigating the same fence. Mom was now involved and she went to get dad. Dad looked on the ground then started talking about the guy he bought them from. He started into the tree to investigate the top of the fence. This time my dream produced no familiarity to my treehouse of my childhood. This time everything was new and wonderful. I had a hard time following my dad as there were numerous children playing all over the tree, so I found an alternate route. As I was now alone in my dream, thoughts took over with profound vividness. I noticed bugs in the big branch I was climbing into. I thought about the question of the reality of my dad's death and how it was sometime in the near future. I thought about how he was going to leave my mom with this huge burden of redoing the fence and having to pay for it.
What else was weird was that my subconscious seemingly went back to the past but within a year of dad's death. Yet in the dream, my dad acted as if he was in his forty's, climbing the tree like a young man and carrying himself like nothing had every happened to his physical body. (All my dreams had my dad physically sound). So it may or may not help to be visiting Utah once again....the first time since my dad's funeral in November. I won't be staying long, so it may not effect my subconscious like I hope. For now, we will hope my subconscious doesn't conjure up any more compensations to impose on my whole brain, for I just may be on an unpleasant road and will have to induce a coma on my subconscious.
The dream itself wasn't innately weird, yet two thoughts that dominated my dream were what flagged me as being abnormal. The first thought was doubt that my dad was dead. A bit of background first. One complexity before last night was the realization I had inside my dreams that I was going back in time to see my dad since my subconscious figured out that he was dead already, so it solved it by going back in time. Well one thing led to another and now my subconscious has doubts as to the reality of my dad's death.
The other thought that troubled me was the fact that everyone else inside this 'back to the future' dream seemed to have this future knowledge of dad's death. It's almost like my subconscious announced to my whole brain that we are all going back to the past so we can spend more time with dad, just so everyone is on the same page.
In the dream we were all having a good time playing in the treehouse. As siblings, we were all relearning our old tricks and racing each other to the top. Well the top platform, in the dream, was well within arms reach of the top of the cement fence dad built on the north side of the driveway. I accidentally hit a cinderblock with my hand and it gave in to my hand worse than sheet rock. I got Andy's and Bryan's attention and we investigated further. We soon found that the edges - where all the cinderblocks met and were sealed together - were still pretty solid, but the significant centers of every one was hollowed, with padding inside, then concealed with a small layer of cinder. After awhile we found ourselves on the ground investigating the same fence. Mom was now involved and she went to get dad. Dad looked on the ground then started talking about the guy he bought them from. He started into the tree to investigate the top of the fence. This time my dream produced no familiarity to my treehouse of my childhood. This time everything was new and wonderful. I had a hard time following my dad as there were numerous children playing all over the tree, so I found an alternate route. As I was now alone in my dream, thoughts took over with profound vividness. I noticed bugs in the big branch I was climbing into. I thought about the question of the reality of my dad's death and how it was sometime in the near future. I thought about how he was going to leave my mom with this huge burden of redoing the fence and having to pay for it.
What else was weird was that my subconscious seemingly went back to the past but within a year of dad's death. Yet in the dream, my dad acted as if he was in his forty's, climbing the tree like a young man and carrying himself like nothing had every happened to his physical body. (All my dreams had my dad physically sound). So it may or may not help to be visiting Utah once again....the first time since my dad's funeral in November. I won't be staying long, so it may not effect my subconscious like I hope. For now, we will hope my subconscious doesn't conjure up any more compensations to impose on my whole brain, for I just may be on an unpleasant road and will have to induce a coma on my subconscious.
Friday, March 13, 2009
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